One of the harder decisions I will have to make

Have you ever known that perfect couple? You know the one you feel certain will always be together because they just seem so in love? That's how I always thought of Zach and Julie. They seemed so great together. Her cute, quiet style really complemented his erratic personality. I knew him before they were dating, or more precisely, I knew of him before they dated. He was very destructive and unpredictable. When I first met him, I was a little afraid of him. He had something of a co-op reputation. But after being with Julie for a while, everything that was good about him really shone through. Zach can sometimes seem callous, but he's really surprisingly sweet and kind. He creates a nasty reputation for himself, but he's a great guy. If you ever call him cuddly, he's likely to shove you (I know- I've called him cuddly before) as if he wants to show that it isn't true, but it really is. Maybe this isn't the best example, but we were chatting the other day an he shoved me randomly (here's that unpredictable and violent streak), but at the same time he was careful to make sure I didn't actually fall. He mentioned as much and I said that was really sweet of him (not sarcastic- I think it was sweet that he didn't want me to fall... though now that I think about it, if he really didn't want me to fall, maybe he wouldn't have pushed me). Once I called him sweet he shoved me for real, but by then I prepared for it and didn't fall down. Is there something wrong with me that I think that was sweet? I sort of see his destructive ways as part of his personality or persona, something he just does. But I also see that he doesn't want to actually hurt anyone, so he plays both sides and behaves slightly destructively sometimes but still pays attention to what the actual consequences will be. Also, I think he only shoved me because he likes me. I don't think he'd do that to a random stranger in the house. But he's never shoved Julie, or hurt her in any way that I've ever seen. From what I can see, he worships the ground she walks on. He'd do anything for her. They were planning on going to the peace corps together. They were really close and I like them both a lot. They were a large part of the reason I didn't want to move out of the coops. They're the sort of people I'd never manage to stay in touch with, but they're such cool people that I just want to spend more time with them.

So I'm pretty upset now that they're broken up, and I'm especially upset at how they broke up. Apparently, things have been bad for the past two weeks or so, and Julie finally broke it off last Friday or Saturday. Everything seemed fine when I saw her on Saturday. Even he seemed fine on Saturday, and apparently he took it a lot harder than she did (being the one broken up with generally does hurt more), but maybe he was putting up a front. Anyway, several days prior to breaking up with Zach, Julie cheated on him. He didn't know that yet, but on Sunday morning, he read her diary and found out. Upon reading it, Zach ripped it to shreds along with most of her stuff. There are broken shards of glass all throughout the room and a giant hole in the wall where he punched a hole in it with her bong. I believe it's still stuck in the wall. He destroyed a lot of his own property as well. He tore up everything in the room except Julie's snake. He said that was the only restraint he showed. This happened while she was in the shower. When she came back to the room, he called her a whore and told her to be afraid of him. She's petrified to even be in the house right now. Right now she's in Maryland visiting her mother. The visit was planned prior to them breaking up, but I think she was very grateful that it happened when it did. She'll be back around Friday. In the meantime, we're thinking of recalling Zach from his manager positions. Tonight we're voting on whether or not there should be a recall (voting to vote, as it were).

It seems I must take a break from blogging for poker... more updates later...


Now I am returning to this entry. It's several days after the emergency meeting we had to discuss whether or not we should recall Zach from his managerial positions. The meeting took two hours before we were finished. There was a lot to discuss. Almost everyone stayed the whole time, in part because they realized how important this issue was, and probably in part because it was sordid gossip. I'll admit I was curious to hear exactly what happened, but when they started going into every last detail, I began to feel somewhat ashamed of myself. They had a really nasty breakup and it was displayed for the whole house to see. Part of me thinks this was a really private matter and it should have stayed that way. But then again, Zach had some very questionable behavior. The rumors differed a lot on what actually happened and in some of them, his actions did warrant a recall. It was important to clear up exactly what went on between Zach and Julie.

Right now I have a real dilemma because I don't know what to do or which way to vote. Sometimes I think that even though what Zach did was wrong, it's almost to be expected considering how much he loved her and how hurt he was. He was furious and he responded by breaking things. There are certainly more constructive ways to channel anger, but he did show some restraint. I am certain he considered killing her snake. He didn't like it very much and he knew how much she loved it, but he also had enough control over himself that he realized that would be crossing a line. Maybe I do have a history of justifying Zach's violent behavior and maybe making excuses for him comes naturally for me, but knowing his character, it makes sense that he would be so destructive after losing the love of his life. It makes sense that he would be so angry at her. They had broken up before (maybe a year ago), but that time, his pride wasn't hurt by her cheating on him. That stung him right to his core. I think he wasn't certain about a lot in his life, but he was certain of Julie. He probably thought they could somehow get back together (it had happened before) until he read her diary. He must have been devastated. It makes me think that anyone in his place feeling as strongly as he did would have destroyed their room, paying special attention to his ex's belongings. Also, it makes sense for Zach to want Julie to fear him. He can't face her. He said he never wants to see her again. He doesn't want her in Stebbins or even in the co-ops at all. If she's afraid of him, she's a lot more likely to leave. She's expressed that she loves the co-ops and wants to stay, so the only way he thinks he can avoid her is by scaring her away. The truth of the matter is that he's afraid of her, of looking at her and all the memories and hurt her presence will remind him of. Zach responds to fear like a cornered animal and lashes out. He's hurting, and a lot more than she is. She may be afraid to the point of shaking, but she's nowhere near as hurt as him. That's part of the reason he was so violent as well. Breaking up didn't bother her. I saw her the night of special dinner drinking and dancing and in pretty high spirits. Zach probably saw it too, which might explain why he was so scarce that night even though the theme was nautical and he loves dressing up as a pirate. He wanted her to feel some fraction of the hurt he was feeling. He said very plainly and clearly at the meeting how happy he was that she was afraid of him. Knowing Zach, all of his actions make perfect sense. It was the only thing he could do in that situation.

But I think there might be something wrong with the qualifier "knowing Zach." Just because his actions were reasonable for him doesn't mean they were reasonable. What he did was wrong, and sometimes that fact gets lost in all the justifications. It was abuse. There's no doubt about that. There was no physical abuse, but there were verbal threats. Even though when push comes to shove, I don't think he would ever follow through (that is, I think Julie has no reason to fear him), he was still using intimidation and fear to get his way. This is even more insidious than physical abuse because it's so ambiguous, because it is so easy to justify. Destroying someone's possessions sends the message "and you're next." The threats to be afraid only reinforce that. While I believe that he wouldn't actually do it, that is undoubtedly the message he wants her to have. That's pretty serious. It really raises the question of what he would do as manager. I think another situation like this would never come up because no one else would be capable of hurting Zach that strongly, but I don't think that everyone knows that. He's not exactly going to be the most accessible manager after this. In trying to make Julie afraid of him, he scared some people in the house as well. Anyone who thinks his anger could be directed at them the way it has been at Julie will undoubtedly vote to recall him. This may, to a certain extent, be why so many of the people pushing for the recall are women. Only a woman could inspire the sort of hurt and wounded pride that Zach is feeling right now. The guys have little to fear and they know it, though perhaps not consciously. I do not think Zach would hurt me, and that's a large part of the reason I've been leaning towards voting against the recall. I also do not think he would hurt Julie, so that's another reason to be against it. But when I think about it, hurt can be defined in a lot of different ways. He has hurt Julie. I am certain he would never physically hurt her, but he has hurt her. I don't know if she was planning to leave Stebbins and live in Cloyne over the summer before this incident, but I don't think she was. I think she wanted a separate room, but I don't think she was going to move out of the house entirely until Zach scared her so much. It's hard for me to help but sympathize for someone who's been chased out of her house. When Matt chased me out, I know he would not have physically harmed me, but I still couldn't stand to be there. That wasn't right. There were no repercussions for Matt. Everyone was still his friend, and I think some people didn't really understand my position maybe because they, too, reasoned that I had nothing tangible to fear. The situations are different here. I couldn't stand living with Matt because his actions and beliefs were so ideologically different than mine. To give a slightly extreme analogy, it was like living with someone who tortured animals. Even though you may have nothing to fear for yourself, the thought that someone can even be that callous and cruel is very upsetting and disruptive to your world image. I don't know that this is the case with Julie. Zach is random and unpredictable enough that she probably does believe she has something to explicitly fear. Maybe she does. If she stayed in the house and was happy and carefree, he might be pushed to do something that would give her legitimate reason to be afraid. I don't think so though. He would move to Cloyne before that happened.

One of the main issues in this recall is who stays in Stebbins. If Zach is not recalled, Julie will see it as a vote of confidence for him, and endorsement of his actions, or at least of him as a person. Someone will have been cruel to her and nothing will have come of it. It will come off as if we liked him better. If Zach is recalled, he's going to move out into Cloyne. I believe he made the comment that he would rather be where people loved him. It's not terribly easy for him to be in Cloyne since it's Berkeley students only and the central level people know him pretty well, but he could probably manage. Then again, maybe he couldn't. What would become of him? Would he actually move out of the co-ops? He just might. He's always said that he's one of those people who will stay in the co-ops for 20 years, but faced with the prospect of living with Julie, he might actually move out. He'd probably try to get her to move out first. Or he might become increasingly stubborn, steeling himself to stay and hurting more and more all the time until he really became destructive. This sucks. There is no winner here. There is no side that's obviously wrong. There's no way to actually choose a side, but whatever decision is made will have some pretty severe consequences for exactly one of the two people. How do I choose? I can see both sides and I can see so many of the ramifications on each side. There are some pretty severe consequences no matter what I choose or what the house ends up deciding. I've kept asking myself why this had to happen. I do believe they were really good together. With Justine, I got the full story and I realized that she and Joe were not a match made in heaven, but in this case, I really thought they had something great. Things got rocky, communication was poor, one misstep lead to another, and now they're separated for sure, forever. They'll never be able to patch this up like they had in the past. Julie once told me that she could never make up her mind about anything except for Zach. He was the one thing she was sure of. I don't know what happened down the line to change that, but it makes me so sad. Now not only are they separated and in full view of the public to gawk at, but most of their friends are now brought in to make decisions regarding their actions (or more specifically Zach's actions). Most people when they break up are not subsequently presented with a poll of all their friends judging what happened. It's disgusting and makes me really sad, but I'm mostly at a loss of what to do. I wish I had no role in it. I wish I didn't have to make this decision, but I know that I do. If anyone reading this has any advice, I could really use it.