More complaints

So my mouth is still messed up. It's a little more swollen today than yesterday. Now I'm icing it much more religiously to see if that helps. So far I think it is. I'm also going to exercise a little more self control with respect to eating crunchy foods. Just because it tastes good doesn't mean I should try to eat it. My mom made some really tasty chicken yesterday too. I tried eating some of it. I tried a little too hard. Bah! My mouth will never get better if I don't give it a little rest!

If anything, this experience has lead me to respect my molars. I always thought the sharp teeth were for meat and biting into apples and stuff, and the molars were for grinding up grains and other plant stuff. Now that I have minimal use of my sharp teeth and NO use of my molars, I'm beginning to see how often I use those molars. I like to grind up everything. I wanna use my molars again! Harumph.

And since I'm complaining anyway, I'm going to complain about my tiny, easily collapsable veins. IVs are a royal pain when they have to stab you as many times as they stabbed me. I only remember the first time in each place because after that, some of the painkillers started seeping in locally and I didn't feel any further stabs, but upon looking at all the bruises on my arms, I think they really had at it. I have what looks like 5 holes in my left arm and two in my right. Plus the one the finally got in my wrist. Err... maybe more than 2 in the right... I don't know. I thought I was still pretty coherent at that time. I'm surprised that I didn't notice most of that poking. I did notice a few extra little pricks, but I just assumed that was him moving around the needle since it didn't hurt as much as the first time it went in. Also, they did manage a slow drip in the left arm, so it makes sense that they would have kept trying and that I wouldn't have felt it. I certainly feel the bruises now. Bah. Stupid veins. And the guy who was doing the IV said he used to be an IV specialist before he was an orthodontic surgeon. He said he couldn't remember the last time it took him more than 3 tries. When I went to the ER about 6 months ago, they got it in on the first try. That was my first experience with IVs. Then the following day, someone drew blood on the first try. 2nd experience with hitting a vein. The third experience was just as bad as this most recent one, except without the painkillers to make it more fun. Is this going to happen every time I get and IV? If I'm ever in a near fatal accident, am I going to die in an ambulance while medical people try to hit a vein? Well I guess that's just incentive not to be in a near fatal accident. It's still a pretty shitty situation. And my dad blames me for not exercising enough. What?!? Gah! This is not my fault! *pout pout pout*

Well whatever. I think I've gotten rid of most of my daily allowance of whine. I'm going to go back to icing my face for a while. Sigh.

Wah.

Having my wisdom teeth out sucks. Yeah, yeah, I know it sucks for everybody. In fact, I think I have it easier than most. I think my surgeon was pretty good, so I have minimal swelling. My face is still swollen, but not as bad as it could have been. Also, I feel partly to blame for that since I haven't been icing it appropriately.

But the thing is, I was expecting swelling. I was expecting pain. I was expecting to eat mush and ice cream for a week. But I was not expecting to be completely unable to open my mouth. Now THAT sucks! Sure I can open it about a half inch. Enough to talk. Of course, talking for too long starts to hurt after a while. But if I feel like some of the mush I'm eating is getting too near my gums, I can't actually get it because I can't open my mouth enough for my tongue to get there. My tongue can (minimally) reach my lower jaw, but I still haven't been able to inspect what was going on with my upper jaw. Now that's weird. Whenever you have a bruise or a cut or any type of injury, one of the first things you do is poke it. You have to find out just how bad it is, right? I have yet to poke or prod at the cuts on my upper jaw. And that bums me out partially because I think it's a more hopeful story up there. The lower jaw had all the impacted molars that they really had to fight to get out. They were coming in mostly straight along my upper jaw. The upper part hasn't hurt me much or gotten swollen at all, so I really want to poke it to be reassured that this situation is not all bad. But trying to get into my mouth to poke it is impossible! My jaw won't open wide enough to do it! ARG! Very frustrating.

I've been occupying myself by playing video games. The Wii is pretty amazing, but 10 and 12 hour days of Paper Mario is starting to wear on me a little. I'm almost done with Paper Mario, and I'm looking forward to finishing it. Oddly enough, I want to finish it so I can do all the little extra stuff, like the optional dungeon, the Pit of 100 Trials (which I am ashamed to say I have not entered yet), or making all the recipes in the cookbook or buying all the maps and getting all the hidden treasures in all of them. There's all sorts of side quests and I kinda want to get on those. If it's anything like Paper Mario 2 (which I am pretty certain it is), I'll have the opportunity to do all those things after I've killed the final boss. Or defeated is more likely. Paper Mario is too cute for anything to die.

Now that I am on the cusp of defeating Super Paper Mario, I think I can begin to make comparisons to its predecessor. Super Paper Mario is definitely a shorter game. The controls are also not quite as intuitive. But it does have very innovative and cute ideas with respect to flipping into 3D. It also uses the Wiimote in interesting ways. Hmmm. Perhaps it's because Paper Mario 2 is more of an rpg than Super Paper Mario, but I think I prefer Paper Mario 2. PM2 had a few faults (such as taking forever to travel... so tedious...), but SPM is just a little rough around the edges. Switching between party members and Pixls (excessively adorable little helpers, each with their own unique talent) takes a little too long. I also didn't like how much better than everyone else Mario is. You pretty much have to play with him non stop. Each character has their own strengths that you have to occasionally use, but I pretty much just defaulted to Mario, switching to the others when I needed them and then switching back at the next opportunity. In PM2, all the characters were pretty unique and there was enough of a variety of situations that it made sense to shift them around a lot. Still, criticisms aside, SPM is really cute and really fun. It's also turning out to be pretty hard. I don't like hard. That's why I like rpgs. I'm a little frustrated at SPM because I just died. I don't often die in rpgs. In fact, this is the first time in the game that I have died (with one exception where I allowed myself to die because I messed something up right after a save). I got to a part where I had no idea what was going on. I had no clue how to get past a locked door and my already depleted life just kept getting smaller and smaller as I tried to find the key. Very frustrating, and at a time when my patience for frustration is a little thin. So yeah. I'm cranky. Painful, swollen face, trying moment in a video game I have almost beaten, unable to open my mouth, and as of about 5 minutes ago when I decided to start icing my face, now I have two ice packs strapped to my head. I look ridiculous. And those of you reading this will never see it! Ha! I'm keeping this moment to myself. At least the visual of it anyway.

Sigh. What a load of suck. And my gums are still bleeding. Uppity little bastards. Why don't you heal already, ya damn moochers!

I want to eat. But it hurts too much to eat. Grump. It hurts too much to take the penicillin, but that's not stopping me from taking that.

Well now this entry is just disintegrating into crankiness. This is less a ramble than it is a disjointed, incoherent series of complaints. Not my style. Not generally at least. I'd better end this before it gets any worse. Hopefully my mood will be somewhat improved tomorrow, though the cranky part of me says not likely. >:(

Teeth B Gone

Do you have teeth that are giving you trouble? Getting in the way? Hurting or ruining your perfect smile?

Well come on down to the specialists at Teeth B Gone! We have many versed professionals experienced in tooth removal. Just listen to this satisfied customer:

Rosemary: My lower lip is still numb.

You can't get higher praise than that, folks! Step right up today! Spots are filling fast!

Wii update and some comments on how blogger works

Normally, when you post something on Blogger, it records the time you first started to write as the time of posting. It's a pretty good system I think. It only gets a little weird when I finish a post several days after I've started it. I started the previous post yesterday, and since I knew it was going to have yesterday's date, I just decided to only write about stuff I knew yesterday and then just post again right afterwards with an update from today. But someone closed firefox on me when I was away from the computer. I expected it, but I knew that Blogger would autosave my writing, so I didn't worry about it too much. So then when I go to open firefox again, it had conveniently saved all the tabs I had open, including the half-written (or mostly written as it turned out) blog post. "How convenient!" I thought to myself. But apparently something about reopening the page reset the start time of the blog entry, so when I posted my blog entry, it said the date was today, mere minutes ago. I found myself thinking how silly that would make today's entry (which I originally planned to call simply "Wii update") look. A comment on how I haven't played much followed by further information on all the hours of playing I've done in the past 15 minutes? No no no. Too silly.

Well as far as I'm concerned, that's explained away.

Anyway, onward to the actual Wii update. Super Paper Mario is still really awesome. It's very cute and it has an interesting gameplay. It's very reminiscent of the old school platform jumpers (ie original mario for the nes). The whole game is essentially a 2-D platform jumper where you occasionally have to go into 3-D to get around something, solve a puzzle, kill some random guy that exists in "another dimension," or something else equally cute. There's a whole lot of cute that I really appreciate. I'm enjoying the game a lot, but it's not very rpg. It's like a hybrid of an rpg and a platform jumper. Now I was never really into the platform jumpers, but I suppose this is as good an introduction as I can get. I can imagine how much someone would love it if they played the original marios. This is my intro to platform jumpers, but perhaps this would serve as a good intro to rpgs for Steven... hmmm... He was interested in trying one out...

So anyway, all is well in Super Paper Mario land. I'm on world 1-4 and catching most of the sneakily hidden little items. It's fairly satisfying. In part because Paper Mario is so fun, and in part because I've played it so much already, I think this means I'm going to set down Wii sports for a little while. Also, I'm FREAKIN SORE! Owwww... my everything...

Wiiiiii!!!

That's the name of my new Wii. I think it aptly describes my feelings towards the Wii.

I spent a decent part of the day playing Wii Sports, but I've played Wii sports so much on Zach's Wii that I felt the need for something new. Then I got Super Paper Mario. Wow- I've only played about an hour so far, but that game is everything I could have hoped for. It's got all the cuteness of the first two paper marios, a pretty game style, interesting new innovations, and it even satisfies one of my greatest concerns: that it actually be unique to the Wii. I think the Wii has such an interesting new interface that it would be a shame to have a game on the system that didn't fully utilize it. And any game that fully utilizes the motion sensors has to translate poorly to other systems. In all fairness, the Wiimote probably isn't totally necessary, but it adds a few cute little puzzles that make the game a little more interesting. You can point at the screen to control your little fairy friend whose name I didn't bother to remember. It can see hidden things and the like. Other than that, it probably could be played on a system less unique than the Wii (though from what I understand, you have to shake the Wiimote at the right time to kill your opponents with style, so that also uses the Wii's motion detecting stuff).

I haven't played much yet, but it's turning out to be a pretty awesome game. :)

Getting older

I was pondering the other day over what was different between me when I started college and me now. Really, there is nothing I can do now that I couldn't do at 18. I can still write a decent paper. I can still solve a math problem. In fact, I was probably better at that when I was 18 since it was all a little more fresh in my mind. Really, given any task I can do now, I could probably do it then. I don't think my abilities have grown any, but everything that I do just seems to come a little easier. Potential pitfalls occur to me a little quicker. Various tasks seem to take a little less time. I feel like I'm able to focus a little more than I used to. Everything seems just a bit simpler.

I wonder if this is what my growth is going to be for the rest of my life? When I was young, growth was a big deal and the changes were pretty pronounced. At one age I needed to climb onto the counter to reach the cups. Later on I could do it from a chair. Then tip toes. Well tiptoes never really stopped happening. I'm short. But anyway, there are plenty of other examples as well. At one point I just wasn't old enough to ride a bike and then my legs actually grew enough that I could pedal effectively with them. At one point I wouldn't have understood symbolism in stories even if someone had tried to explain it to me. Later I was able to spot it on my own. It was very weird for me to realize that growing meant something different now and, in fact, had mean something different for a while. I remember getting huffy when I wouldn't get a job I had tried out for. I'd say to myself, "I could do this, and I'd do it well. Why wouldn't they want me?" Maybe it wasn't just that they wanted someone who could do the job. They might have wanted someone who could do it easier- someone a little older. Or maybe they just didn't like me. I don't always give off the best first impression, especially when I'm nervous. Anyway, it's interesting that growth is no longer a measure of what my abilities are, but rather how well I can do them. I suppose I've known that in a more esoteric sense for a while. I mean, I knew that my papers were being graded on how good they were, not on whether or not they were papers, but it still feels pretty weird.

Well I'm looking forward to everything getting easier. I can tell there's still a lot of room for growth, and I'd certainly like for things to be easier. There's going to be great moment when everything I have to do is relatively easy and my body won't have started breaking down too much yet (thus creating a new set of problems). Yup. That would be my prime. I'm looking forward to that. I think it'll be fun. There's something very satisfying about being competent and on top of your shit. I'm decently competent now, but I know given a little time (and by little I mean like a decade :p) I'll be more so, and I'm definitely going to enjoy that when it comes.

I'm getting a Wii!

I'm super excited! There's a shipment coming in this Sunday at my local Target Greatland. It's like Target on drugs. I'm slightly disgusted by its presence, but I'll put our differences aside if it means I can get a Wii. I'm so showing up at 8 when it opens. It'll break my little Wii-loving heart if I miss out.

The merits of video games

So I went to a shooting range for the first time the other day. I can now say I have fired a gun. It was a rather puny gun (.22), but a gun nonetheless. I say with some timidity that I rather liked it, but that may just be because I was so accurate. I credit my precision to years of fine tuning with video games. This leads me to the merits of video games. To quote Steven, video games don't make you more violent; just more deadly if you do decide to be violent.

How engaging

So I'm engaged! Woo! I think anyone reading this already knows, but it's still pretty awesome. It was actually last Tuesday that we decided, but we didn't tell anyone until last Saturday when Steven got the ring from his mom. It kinda felt more official then. We didn't even tell people much after that either. We hung out with some friends of mine all evening on Saturday, but I just didn't know how to bring it up. I was cooking, so I had to take the ring off shortly after I arrived, and by the time we were done cooking, it just felt weird to put it back on, and be like "so we've been here for a few hours without saying anything, but now let me just say that we're getting married." It's a bit awkward, especially since I didn't even know everyone there. I know I didn't have anything to worry about, but it was still pretty weird, and I just didn't know how to breach the topic. I figured out a decent way to do it Sunday morning when I changed my facebook status to engaged. I got a lot of wall posts from facebook stalkers, so I knew I'd gotten the gossip mills turning. That's all I needed. Now that the word was circulating, it wasn't so awkward or so out-of-left-field to bring it up. Hooray! When I stopped by Stebbins later that day, there was much gushing.It was pretty fun actually. I got some very cute responses from people... and one very awkward response from Jessica.

Me: Did you hear?
Jessica: What?
Me: We're getting married!
J: No you're not.
*shows ring*
J: What? Really?
Me: Yeah. Really.
J: No way.
Me: We really are.
J: Uh... weird. I don't really know what to say. Congratulations I guess.

I think she mostly didn't believe us because she thought I was too young. She just thought it was weird to be married at our age. I think she's never had a relationship serious enough to even think about marriage, so it probably just weirded her out to see someone her own age getting engaged. Steven was a little offended, like "is it really that surprising?", but I don't think she really meant anything by it. I don't know that she knew how close we are. Also, I think Jessica and I haven't been as close since the CSSA officer dinner when Julia invited Jesse and Jessica supported it, even when no one else wanted him to show up. I hate the guy and pretty much said as much. Perhaps that was stupid, but I was just so shocked that they wanted to bring him when he had no affiliation with the club and was only tolerated by two people in the club. Kat mentioned that she found him abrasive (I believe I supplied her with the adjective in an earlier conversation), and of course Julia passed that on to him, which made him even more determined to go because he's such an ass. In the end he didn't go and I walked with Julia and Jessica to our dinner 10 minutes late because of all the ridiculous arguing we had to do to convince him not to come. The walk felt awkward to me. They had a decent conversation, but I don't think I was really a part of it. They still responded when I asked a direct question, but I had little doubt that their opinions of me had lessened and my opinion of them wasn't exactly what it used to be either. It's not like we're not friends anymore, but it just feels a little awkward, and a little less warm to me now than it used to. Which may explain why Jessica wasn't all that happy for me as well. I just don't think we're terribly close anymore, and she was just kinda weirded out by the whole thing. Silly of her though. There's only one appropriate response to someone who tells you they're about to be married and that's gushing happiness. People are touchy about that sort of thing. I honestly don't mind terribly, but I did see it as further evidence that we're no longer all that close.

But responses aside, I'll get into a few of the details. Well, there aren't many of them yet, actually. We're planning to get married in two years sometime in the summer. I vetoed August because that's when my birthday is. I don't want an anniversary and my birthday falling too close together. It would be like those poor souls whose birthdays fall on Christmas. No extra celebration for them- one holiday just swallows the other up. So that leaves the first half of summer. Steven says it's too early to decide and he doesn't really want to think about it too much, but what can I say? It's on my mind. When something's on my mind, I tend not to do things by halves. Also, I like to have things planned. It gives me a certain satisfaction. I've also been puzzling over bridesmaids and ushers a little bit. That's not so easy to decide. Who to choose and who not to choose? I guess I could just be inclusive and have a huge entourage. Justine had 6 bridesmaids. I could in theory have that many. Justine and Steven's sister Diana (I hear it's pretty common to include siblings, even though I'm not exactly close with her) are pretty much guaranteed. The the who else gets hazy. I've been pretty close with Kat throughout college. I don't consider myself that close with Lucy, but she's tried to keep in touch with me more than just about anyone else since high school. I feel a bit guilty about it. I know she feels a lot closer to me than I do to her, but maybe that's not true anymore since I'm so bad at keeping in touch. Arg! Lucy is a large guilt trip for me, but I almost feel like I ought to... Then there's Susan. She's cute, and a kick, and lots of fun to hang out with, but I wonder if we'll still be keeping in touch after I've moved out of Stebbins. I'm definitely closer to her than to any other female in Stebbins. Then there's Beverly who I've known since freshman year and HAVE NOT been able to keep in touch with when we didn't have class together, but have had SO MUCH fun with her when we have. She's so much fun to hang out with, but I've always been horrible about keeping up contact. Hmmm. So that makes 2 definites and 4 potentials. Justine may have had 6, but I don't know about myself. I'm closer with some of these people than others. I should really just make some choices. Honestly, Kat's a good choice. We have long interesting conversations and I've known her for a long time. Susan will be a lot of fun to party with and I think we might be able to keep in touch better if she knows she's going to be a bridesmaid. I could make the same argument for Beverly too, though. Hmmm... and then there's Lucy, who I don't think I need to have as a bridesmaid, but she'd appreciate it so much and she wouldn't have to worry about me not liking her or anything- she'd just know that I don't keep in touch with people well. Hmmm... I'll have to ask Steven if he can match 6 bridesmaids with 6 ushers. Hmmm...

Well that's enough of this for now. I did want to go on a mild rant about how the romantic thing is inequitable to women when it comes to proposing, but I've been writing for a while now and I'm not sure I want to write more. Oh well... it'll be quick.

So the way things work now, if the guy wants to propose, he'll do it in a surprising and romantic way, often in public, in such a way that it's very hard or embarrassing to say no. So the guy who wants to propose is almost always guaranteed a yes. Then again, the guy who doesn't want to propose (like Kyle and Matiuzzi, where in his words "she's not a trophy wife") can just keep the girl waiting indefinitely even for years before she realizes a proposal isn't on the horizon and she's been wasting her time (if marriage is a goal of hers). Kyle's such a dick. I don't really like Matoots but she doesn't deserve that. Bah. So this is why Steven and I just discussed it. Not romantic, but as far as I'm concerned, romance keeps women down. Rawr!

Ok. I think that'll do for now. Buh bye!

Results

So the results of the elections we just had came in. I was pleased by who won for summer workshift manager and sad that Michelle didn't get AdCom Rep. I was also extremely happy to find that neither of the very silly bylaw changes Matt proposed passed. He proposed a change to the position of social manager that every social manager was up in arms about stopping. He also a proposed a change to a part of the Bylaw that he didn't even understand. He's always been opposed to the rule that states that the workshift manager needs a 3/4 vote to be overturned by the house. Of course he never bothered to read the details of that rule. It only applies to discussion of how many hours a workshift is worth (and nothing else- it explicitly says the house retains its majority overrule in all other disputes with the workshift manager). So instead of changing this part of the bylaws, Matt changed a different part that says the workshift manager needs to submit a workshift proposal at the beginning of the semester. We've never done that before. It's one of those parts of the bylaw that we just ignore. Matt wanted to change it from being something we ignore that needs 3/4 to overrule to something we ignore that needs 1/2 to overrule. Way to waste our time Matt. Bah.

And Zach was recalled for fall. He resigned from summer before the vote actually finished, but he would have been recalled for both summer and fall. It's sad, but also probably necessary. The vote was very close (24 to 21). The results made me sad, the way that everything about this election has, but at least I think it was right.

Recall Update

Phew. It wasn't easy, but I finally made a decision about Zach's recall. I did decide to recall him. Sure, his actions were understandable, and he was a good friend, and I think he would have been a fine manager, but what he did was really wrong. Even if you're under a lot of stress, it's not right to try to scare someone away from you. Zach claimed that he was an intrinsically non-violent person, and honestly, it's true. Scaring her was the only way he could get rid of her because he wouldn't really be able to physically hurt her. In all his destructive activities, he never has physically hurt anyone. There were some rumors of a tussle he had with Emily that resulted in some rug burns or something, but since Emily was not willing to talk about it (claimed it was irrelevant, but I don't think that's true), they remain as rumors.

So I can list off forever how he's not such a bad person, but he did something really sleazy and I can't just write that off.

One of the things that changed my mind in the end was one of the people who was advocating against the recall. Joe, who was also a friend of both Zach and Julie, kept saying it was a private matter and didn't involve the house. To an extent, I think he was right and the whole thing shouldn't have been so public, but I got to thinking about how he might react if he had cheated on a girlfriend (I'm not sure whether or not he has one, but let's assume he does as a thought experiment) and then she had invaded his privacy, found out, and destroyed his room. I also thought of how the house might perceive that. This theoretical girlfriend would have been seen as some psychotic bitch, even if she did have some sort of history of breaking things. I think people would have had a much easier time recalling her than they are currently having with Zach.

Zach seems more reasonable because of his personality, because he does have a reputation for being destructive. But having a negative reputation shouldn't mean you get relaxed standards, and when I hold him to the same standards as most people, I find myself wanting to recall him. Also, he makes people uncomfortable, and even though I think there's no cause for it, I feel the need to respect their wishes to an extent as well. He actually will perform worse if people are not comfortable bringing their problems to him.

Sigh. I'm trying to justify my decision, but I'm still pretty bummed about it. I stand by my choice, but it really sucks that I ever had to make that decision. Zach is, at his core, a really decent person. He's really fun to hang out with. When you get past the rough exterior, he's really very sweet. I could barely begin to describe all the romantic things he did for Julie. His image is important to him, but he still wore a suit for her on their anniversary and her birthday. His steady job provides him rent credit (not any actual money), but he still managed to scrape together enough to buy her a diamond necklace (albeit a small diamond) on Valentine's Day. She's the only person he'll pause for while watching the Sopranos. There's a long list of sweet things he did. I don't think he's a bad person by any means. Admittedly, I didn't see what went on behind closed doors, but from all I could see, they had a good relationship. It makes sense that he would be so upset when that relationship fell apart. His actions seem so understandable to me, but now that I've made the decision to recall him, I feel like I can't actually be his friend anymore. How can I vote that someone did something wrong and then still remain friends with them afterward? Just because the vote was anonymous doesn't mean I can act like I voted his way. Not that I think it'll even matter. He probably won't even want to be in Stebbins after this. It was just so weird as I was pressing the button to vote. I knew that once I'd voted, I'd be losing a friend. Friends fall out of touch and fade away, but to know the exact instant when you are no longer friends is really weird. I didn't like it. I wish things could have been different.


Thanks to everyone who gave me advice. And extra thanks to Jon for actually reading that enormous post. You're advice was really helpful. I know you're not the biggest fan of long entries. I copied it to word to see how big it was- 4 pages single spaced. Now that takes dedication. :)

A goal in life has been accomplished

Today around lunch, I refilled the milk machine completely unaided with no slip ups at all. It happened right after my last blog entry when I could use some cheering up too, so it was nicely timed. Hooray!

One of the harder decisions I will have to make

Have you ever known that perfect couple? You know the one you feel certain will always be together because they just seem so in love? That's how I always thought of Zach and Julie. They seemed so great together. Her cute, quiet style really complemented his erratic personality. I knew him before they were dating, or more precisely, I knew of him before they dated. He was very destructive and unpredictable. When I first met him, I was a little afraid of him. He had something of a co-op reputation. But after being with Julie for a while, everything that was good about him really shone through. Zach can sometimes seem callous, but he's really surprisingly sweet and kind. He creates a nasty reputation for himself, but he's a great guy. If you ever call him cuddly, he's likely to shove you (I know- I've called him cuddly before) as if he wants to show that it isn't true, but it really is. Maybe this isn't the best example, but we were chatting the other day an he shoved me randomly (here's that unpredictable and violent streak), but at the same time he was careful to make sure I didn't actually fall. He mentioned as much and I said that was really sweet of him (not sarcastic- I think it was sweet that he didn't want me to fall... though now that I think about it, if he really didn't want me to fall, maybe he wouldn't have pushed me). Once I called him sweet he shoved me for real, but by then I prepared for it and didn't fall down. Is there something wrong with me that I think that was sweet? I sort of see his destructive ways as part of his personality or persona, something he just does. But I also see that he doesn't want to actually hurt anyone, so he plays both sides and behaves slightly destructively sometimes but still pays attention to what the actual consequences will be. Also, I think he only shoved me because he likes me. I don't think he'd do that to a random stranger in the house. But he's never shoved Julie, or hurt her in any way that I've ever seen. From what I can see, he worships the ground she walks on. He'd do anything for her. They were planning on going to the peace corps together. They were really close and I like them both a lot. They were a large part of the reason I didn't want to move out of the coops. They're the sort of people I'd never manage to stay in touch with, but they're such cool people that I just want to spend more time with them.

So I'm pretty upset now that they're broken up, and I'm especially upset at how they broke up. Apparently, things have been bad for the past two weeks or so, and Julie finally broke it off last Friday or Saturday. Everything seemed fine when I saw her on Saturday. Even he seemed fine on Saturday, and apparently he took it a lot harder than she did (being the one broken up with generally does hurt more), but maybe he was putting up a front. Anyway, several days prior to breaking up with Zach, Julie cheated on him. He didn't know that yet, but on Sunday morning, he read her diary and found out. Upon reading it, Zach ripped it to shreds along with most of her stuff. There are broken shards of glass all throughout the room and a giant hole in the wall where he punched a hole in it with her bong. I believe it's still stuck in the wall. He destroyed a lot of his own property as well. He tore up everything in the room except Julie's snake. He said that was the only restraint he showed. This happened while she was in the shower. When she came back to the room, he called her a whore and told her to be afraid of him. She's petrified to even be in the house right now. Right now she's in Maryland visiting her mother. The visit was planned prior to them breaking up, but I think she was very grateful that it happened when it did. She'll be back around Friday. In the meantime, we're thinking of recalling Zach from his manager positions. Tonight we're voting on whether or not there should be a recall (voting to vote, as it were).

It seems I must take a break from blogging for poker... more updates later...


Now I am returning to this entry. It's several days after the emergency meeting we had to discuss whether or not we should recall Zach from his managerial positions. The meeting took two hours before we were finished. There was a lot to discuss. Almost everyone stayed the whole time, in part because they realized how important this issue was, and probably in part because it was sordid gossip. I'll admit I was curious to hear exactly what happened, but when they started going into every last detail, I began to feel somewhat ashamed of myself. They had a really nasty breakup and it was displayed for the whole house to see. Part of me thinks this was a really private matter and it should have stayed that way. But then again, Zach had some very questionable behavior. The rumors differed a lot on what actually happened and in some of them, his actions did warrant a recall. It was important to clear up exactly what went on between Zach and Julie.

Right now I have a real dilemma because I don't know what to do or which way to vote. Sometimes I think that even though what Zach did was wrong, it's almost to be expected considering how much he loved her and how hurt he was. He was furious and he responded by breaking things. There are certainly more constructive ways to channel anger, but he did show some restraint. I am certain he considered killing her snake. He didn't like it very much and he knew how much she loved it, but he also had enough control over himself that he realized that would be crossing a line. Maybe I do have a history of justifying Zach's violent behavior and maybe making excuses for him comes naturally for me, but knowing his character, it makes sense that he would be so destructive after losing the love of his life. It makes sense that he would be so angry at her. They had broken up before (maybe a year ago), but that time, his pride wasn't hurt by her cheating on him. That stung him right to his core. I think he wasn't certain about a lot in his life, but he was certain of Julie. He probably thought they could somehow get back together (it had happened before) until he read her diary. He must have been devastated. It makes me think that anyone in his place feeling as strongly as he did would have destroyed their room, paying special attention to his ex's belongings. Also, it makes sense for Zach to want Julie to fear him. He can't face her. He said he never wants to see her again. He doesn't want her in Stebbins or even in the co-ops at all. If she's afraid of him, she's a lot more likely to leave. She's expressed that she loves the co-ops and wants to stay, so the only way he thinks he can avoid her is by scaring her away. The truth of the matter is that he's afraid of her, of looking at her and all the memories and hurt her presence will remind him of. Zach responds to fear like a cornered animal and lashes out. He's hurting, and a lot more than she is. She may be afraid to the point of shaking, but she's nowhere near as hurt as him. That's part of the reason he was so violent as well. Breaking up didn't bother her. I saw her the night of special dinner drinking and dancing and in pretty high spirits. Zach probably saw it too, which might explain why he was so scarce that night even though the theme was nautical and he loves dressing up as a pirate. He wanted her to feel some fraction of the hurt he was feeling. He said very plainly and clearly at the meeting how happy he was that she was afraid of him. Knowing Zach, all of his actions make perfect sense. It was the only thing he could do in that situation.

But I think there might be something wrong with the qualifier "knowing Zach." Just because his actions were reasonable for him doesn't mean they were reasonable. What he did was wrong, and sometimes that fact gets lost in all the justifications. It was abuse. There's no doubt about that. There was no physical abuse, but there were verbal threats. Even though when push comes to shove, I don't think he would ever follow through (that is, I think Julie has no reason to fear him), he was still using intimidation and fear to get his way. This is even more insidious than physical abuse because it's so ambiguous, because it is so easy to justify. Destroying someone's possessions sends the message "and you're next." The threats to be afraid only reinforce that. While I believe that he wouldn't actually do it, that is undoubtedly the message he wants her to have. That's pretty serious. It really raises the question of what he would do as manager. I think another situation like this would never come up because no one else would be capable of hurting Zach that strongly, but I don't think that everyone knows that. He's not exactly going to be the most accessible manager after this. In trying to make Julie afraid of him, he scared some people in the house as well. Anyone who thinks his anger could be directed at them the way it has been at Julie will undoubtedly vote to recall him. This may, to a certain extent, be why so many of the people pushing for the recall are women. Only a woman could inspire the sort of hurt and wounded pride that Zach is feeling right now. The guys have little to fear and they know it, though perhaps not consciously. I do not think Zach would hurt me, and that's a large part of the reason I've been leaning towards voting against the recall. I also do not think he would hurt Julie, so that's another reason to be against it. But when I think about it, hurt can be defined in a lot of different ways. He has hurt Julie. I am certain he would never physically hurt her, but he has hurt her. I don't know if she was planning to leave Stebbins and live in Cloyne over the summer before this incident, but I don't think she was. I think she wanted a separate room, but I don't think she was going to move out of the house entirely until Zach scared her so much. It's hard for me to help but sympathize for someone who's been chased out of her house. When Matt chased me out, I know he would not have physically harmed me, but I still couldn't stand to be there. That wasn't right. There were no repercussions for Matt. Everyone was still his friend, and I think some people didn't really understand my position maybe because they, too, reasoned that I had nothing tangible to fear. The situations are different here. I couldn't stand living with Matt because his actions and beliefs were so ideologically different than mine. To give a slightly extreme analogy, it was like living with someone who tortured animals. Even though you may have nothing to fear for yourself, the thought that someone can even be that callous and cruel is very upsetting and disruptive to your world image. I don't know that this is the case with Julie. Zach is random and unpredictable enough that she probably does believe she has something to explicitly fear. Maybe she does. If she stayed in the house and was happy and carefree, he might be pushed to do something that would give her legitimate reason to be afraid. I don't think so though. He would move to Cloyne before that happened.

One of the main issues in this recall is who stays in Stebbins. If Zach is not recalled, Julie will see it as a vote of confidence for him, and endorsement of his actions, or at least of him as a person. Someone will have been cruel to her and nothing will have come of it. It will come off as if we liked him better. If Zach is recalled, he's going to move out into Cloyne. I believe he made the comment that he would rather be where people loved him. It's not terribly easy for him to be in Cloyne since it's Berkeley students only and the central level people know him pretty well, but he could probably manage. Then again, maybe he couldn't. What would become of him? Would he actually move out of the co-ops? He just might. He's always said that he's one of those people who will stay in the co-ops for 20 years, but faced with the prospect of living with Julie, he might actually move out. He'd probably try to get her to move out first. Or he might become increasingly stubborn, steeling himself to stay and hurting more and more all the time until he really became destructive. This sucks. There is no winner here. There is no side that's obviously wrong. There's no way to actually choose a side, but whatever decision is made will have some pretty severe consequences for exactly one of the two people. How do I choose? I can see both sides and I can see so many of the ramifications on each side. There are some pretty severe consequences no matter what I choose or what the house ends up deciding. I've kept asking myself why this had to happen. I do believe they were really good together. With Justine, I got the full story and I realized that she and Joe were not a match made in heaven, but in this case, I really thought they had something great. Things got rocky, communication was poor, one misstep lead to another, and now they're separated for sure, forever. They'll never be able to patch this up like they had in the past. Julie once told me that she could never make up her mind about anything except for Zach. He was the one thing she was sure of. I don't know what happened down the line to change that, but it makes me so sad. Now not only are they separated and in full view of the public to gawk at, but most of their friends are now brought in to make decisions regarding their actions (or more specifically Zach's actions). Most people when they break up are not subsequently presented with a poll of all their friends judging what happened. It's disgusting and makes me really sad, but I'm mostly at a loss of what to do. I wish I had no role in it. I wish I didn't have to make this decision, but I know that I do. If anyone reading this has any advice, I could really use it.

Nothing of Note

I have nothing of note to say. Really, I'm just a little bored, and what better way to relieve that than a blog entry. But then that leaves the problem of a topic. However, I am an expert rambler, so coming up with something shouldn't be too hard. It generally isn't. I guess I could write about Final Fantasy 12 since I wish I was playing it right now. My blood's starting to itch for it, which means it must be a pretty good game. I was a bit dubious at first because the battle system is a bit weird. I mean, I pretty much just have to stand back and watch. I generally end up taking a slightly more active hand in things though just to keep it interesting. As the game progresses more and more and I get more gambits, I'm going to be able to sit back and relax more and more. That's not necessarily a good thing, but I suppose it's alright. It seems to still be keeping my interest regardless.

Well that topic's dead. Even my rambling prowess couldn't keep that train of thought going. I guess I could move on to talking about Stebbins' special dinner tomorrow, but I already know that that's not going to go anywhere. It will be an equally short train of thought, but here goes. So we voted on a theme and it ended up being nautical. I'm not terribly thrilled. There's a handful of people in the house who really like nautical stuff. I can't say I get it. Kids today. One minute it's gangsta rappers, the next it's the sea. Go figure. Well whatever the theme, it doesn't matter to me all that much since I don't have any plans to dress up. I guess I could make some extra effort to wear blue. Or I could just not give a fuck. It really isn't going to matter whatever I dress as, but I do intend to have fun at this special dinner. The easiest way to ensure that is to get drunk. I can't drink any of the alcohol at the party since I haven't paid my social bill, but this is where being 21 comes in. This is also where the half finished bottle of vodka sitting in my room makes an appearance. Perhaps a little beer from the corner store would not be amiss either... Just so long as I'm not quietly sitting in the corner like last time or sitting next to someone too stoned to talk to me like the time before, I'm sure it'll work out. Perhaps getting Susan to save me a seat is the way to go... Sitting next to her will be lots of fun. Well, as long as the food is better this time than last time, I'll be happy.

Ok then. I've satisfied my boredom to a degree, but I'm still left with a feeling of "now what?" Whatever I end up doing, it will not be further blogging. Good day, readers of my blog! May your Fridays be more eventful than mine.

Just a little sick of Stebbins

The title kinda says it all. I'm tired of dealing and living with people who don't really like me. My attitude hasn't really won me any friends here. Sure I do have friends, but I'm starting to realize that they're the minority here. I talk too much trash. I complain too much and I dislike some people just a little too strongly. It makes the more neutral observers not my biggest fans. And of course, the people I criticize don't have much love for me either.

This whole sentiment was brought on by the neutral ones actually. By neutral, I mean the people who don't take a strong side, or at least aren't always on the same side of things. They don't just vote for their friends (though voting for their friends probably plays some role). They often lean one way or the other, even though some of them have strong tendencies to lean in a particular direction. And I've been noticing lately that the neutral people aren't my biggest fans. There's the occasional subtle comment, the attempt to disagree with me a little too strongly, and many other little signs that let me know that they don't particularly enjoy my company.

Most people can find a few friends who like them, who have gotten to know them and find their company enjoyable, but when the average person you meet isn't exactly your biggest fan, that's kinda a problem. Though I do find myself wondering why that is such an issue. Why is it so important to be liked?

Well, from a financial standpoint, going to an interview and making a good impression is very important. That has almost as much to do with your personality as it does with your resume. This is probably the most obvious, direct reason to want people to like you. Networking also falls in this category.

But that's not the real reason for finding it so distasteful to be disliked by the average person. I'm not entirely sure what the real reason is, but I'm pretty sure that's not it. The financial business response was something I had to think about, not an immediate reaction.

Then again, maybe it is something as simple as that. People like to think that someone will help them out if they need it, no matter the scenario. That's no different than networking. It's just that networking applies only to the business community. The larger the pool of people who like you and will help you out, the better. Perhaps the distaste from having the average person dislike you is caused by knowing that your potential networking pool (in the non-business sense) is small.

However being disliked by the average person doesn't exactly explain being sick of Stebbins. That's a personal issue, not one regarding my living situation. I think the actual reason I'm feeling a little tired of Stebbins is that I don't think I'm disliked by the average person, at least not by people I've just met. With casual acquaintances I know to keep my mouth shut. It's not worth riling anybody up if you don't even know them that well. But in Stebbins, I do speak up. I let my strong opinions be heard, not only to people I know well, but also to the casual acquaintances (i.e. the neutral people). That's not exactly by choice. Information flows a little too freely at Stebbins. Your business is everyone's business, and when you're talking about someone else in the house, it becomes everyone's business even more.

One of the things I've noticed that I enjoy the most about my CK workshift is the privacy of it. We spend the whole time talking, some portion of which I complain about the goings on in my house. And there's no one there to overhear and silently judge. There's no one who is drinking coffee in the corner pretending to read, but actually listening in, if not intently, at least to key words. Enough to get the meaning.

But it isn't just the people who you're not speaking to directly. The ones you talk to directly are problematic too when it comes to Stebbins. Some of the issues are very complex, and when it all comes down to it, Stebbins is a place to live. People often don't want to look at it too intricately, don't want to spend too much brainpower on these issues. We are all, first and foremost, students, and school takes a lot of priority over the co-ops for most of us. So sometimes people don't understand what's important about an issue and wonder why I'm being so critical about it, why it's such a big deal. I probably end up looking more cantankerous and unpleasant than I actually am.

Though it's probably oversimplifying things too much to say that it's just that other people don't understand the issues. I believe that that plays a role, but I am not certain of the degree of that role. To some extent, I think there is also a lifestyle choice that makes me too different from some of the people around me and makes it hard for them to feel comfortable with me. I am not cool. I don't go to parties. I don't drink all that much. I don't pay much attention to my appearance. I could come up with a long list of the values I hold that don't exactly mesh with the values of the people I live with. Their values aren't wrong. There's nothing wrong with partying and drinking. But their values are different. We're just a little too different to get along all that well. It makes it a little harder for them to agree with me or to sympathize with what I'm thinking. We just think a little differently.

So most of the reasons that I'm feeling a little disliked (and frankly a bit down) stem from my living situation, with surrounding myself constantly with people who are just a little too different from me. It doesn't exactly breed the most comfortable environment. I have some hopes that my environment will change. Stebbins wasn't always unpleasant and most of the people that I feel the most cut off from are moving out. There's one or two who will still be around, but few enough that I have hopes that things could change. Though I have to wonder if they actually would. Is Stebbins just different enough that I can't reconcile my personality with it? I find myself doubting whether or not I want to find out. Finding out means staying here another semester and I'm not sure I want to do that. But moving out also means leaving a fair chunk of my social life behind. There are people here that I like, people that I know I'll never stay in touch with. There's also a certain ease of interaction that I'll definitely miss. I find myself very indecisive on this issue. I don't really know what to do about it.

I think this is something that's going to require more thought at a later date. How ready am I to leave the super social environment of Stebbins, especially knowing that once I leave I'll never return? Will I grow to miss it once my surroundings go from "someone around at almost all hours of the day and night" to "hanging out with friends occasionally when I'm not feeling too lazy and I get a chance"? Or will I be more social than I thought? Will I continue poker nights? Will I visit Stebbins periodically? Will the grad students who will be my new classmates have a more similar lifestyle to mine?

There are a lot of questions to ask and I'm nowhere near ready to answer most of them. But I do think I'm ready to move out of Stebbins.