Just a little sick of Stebbins

The title kinda says it all. I'm tired of dealing and living with people who don't really like me. My attitude hasn't really won me any friends here. Sure I do have friends, but I'm starting to realize that they're the minority here. I talk too much trash. I complain too much and I dislike some people just a little too strongly. It makes the more neutral observers not my biggest fans. And of course, the people I criticize don't have much love for me either.

This whole sentiment was brought on by the neutral ones actually. By neutral, I mean the people who don't take a strong side, or at least aren't always on the same side of things. They don't just vote for their friends (though voting for their friends probably plays some role). They often lean one way or the other, even though some of them have strong tendencies to lean in a particular direction. And I've been noticing lately that the neutral people aren't my biggest fans. There's the occasional subtle comment, the attempt to disagree with me a little too strongly, and many other little signs that let me know that they don't particularly enjoy my company.

Most people can find a few friends who like them, who have gotten to know them and find their company enjoyable, but when the average person you meet isn't exactly your biggest fan, that's kinda a problem. Though I do find myself wondering why that is such an issue. Why is it so important to be liked?

Well, from a financial standpoint, going to an interview and making a good impression is very important. That has almost as much to do with your personality as it does with your resume. This is probably the most obvious, direct reason to want people to like you. Networking also falls in this category.

But that's not the real reason for finding it so distasteful to be disliked by the average person. I'm not entirely sure what the real reason is, but I'm pretty sure that's not it. The financial business response was something I had to think about, not an immediate reaction.

Then again, maybe it is something as simple as that. People like to think that someone will help them out if they need it, no matter the scenario. That's no different than networking. It's just that networking applies only to the business community. The larger the pool of people who like you and will help you out, the better. Perhaps the distaste from having the average person dislike you is caused by knowing that your potential networking pool (in the non-business sense) is small.

However being disliked by the average person doesn't exactly explain being sick of Stebbins. That's a personal issue, not one regarding my living situation. I think the actual reason I'm feeling a little tired of Stebbins is that I don't think I'm disliked by the average person, at least not by people I've just met. With casual acquaintances I know to keep my mouth shut. It's not worth riling anybody up if you don't even know them that well. But in Stebbins, I do speak up. I let my strong opinions be heard, not only to people I know well, but also to the casual acquaintances (i.e. the neutral people). That's not exactly by choice. Information flows a little too freely at Stebbins. Your business is everyone's business, and when you're talking about someone else in the house, it becomes everyone's business even more.

One of the things I've noticed that I enjoy the most about my CK workshift is the privacy of it. We spend the whole time talking, some portion of which I complain about the goings on in my house. And there's no one there to overhear and silently judge. There's no one who is drinking coffee in the corner pretending to read, but actually listening in, if not intently, at least to key words. Enough to get the meaning.

But it isn't just the people who you're not speaking to directly. The ones you talk to directly are problematic too when it comes to Stebbins. Some of the issues are very complex, and when it all comes down to it, Stebbins is a place to live. People often don't want to look at it too intricately, don't want to spend too much brainpower on these issues. We are all, first and foremost, students, and school takes a lot of priority over the co-ops for most of us. So sometimes people don't understand what's important about an issue and wonder why I'm being so critical about it, why it's such a big deal. I probably end up looking more cantankerous and unpleasant than I actually am.

Though it's probably oversimplifying things too much to say that it's just that other people don't understand the issues. I believe that that plays a role, but I am not certain of the degree of that role. To some extent, I think there is also a lifestyle choice that makes me too different from some of the people around me and makes it hard for them to feel comfortable with me. I am not cool. I don't go to parties. I don't drink all that much. I don't pay much attention to my appearance. I could come up with a long list of the values I hold that don't exactly mesh with the values of the people I live with. Their values aren't wrong. There's nothing wrong with partying and drinking. But their values are different. We're just a little too different to get along all that well. It makes it a little harder for them to agree with me or to sympathize with what I'm thinking. We just think a little differently.

So most of the reasons that I'm feeling a little disliked (and frankly a bit down) stem from my living situation, with surrounding myself constantly with people who are just a little too different from me. It doesn't exactly breed the most comfortable environment. I have some hopes that my environment will change. Stebbins wasn't always unpleasant and most of the people that I feel the most cut off from are moving out. There's one or two who will still be around, but few enough that I have hopes that things could change. Though I have to wonder if they actually would. Is Stebbins just different enough that I can't reconcile my personality with it? I find myself doubting whether or not I want to find out. Finding out means staying here another semester and I'm not sure I want to do that. But moving out also means leaving a fair chunk of my social life behind. There are people here that I like, people that I know I'll never stay in touch with. There's also a certain ease of interaction that I'll definitely miss. I find myself very indecisive on this issue. I don't really know what to do about it.

I think this is something that's going to require more thought at a later date. How ready am I to leave the super social environment of Stebbins, especially knowing that once I leave I'll never return? Will I grow to miss it once my surroundings go from "someone around at almost all hours of the day and night" to "hanging out with friends occasionally when I'm not feeling too lazy and I get a chance"? Or will I be more social than I thought? Will I continue poker nights? Will I visit Stebbins periodically? Will the grad students who will be my new classmates have a more similar lifestyle to mine?

There are a lot of questions to ask and I'm nowhere near ready to answer most of them. But I do think I'm ready to move out of Stebbins.