Backed into a corner

It happens to everyone I guess. Sometimes things just don't go your way. Something happens hat you didn't plan for and don't know how to deal with. I'm not talking about big things either. I'm talking mostly about little things that, for just an instant, have you backed into a corner. For example, my brother, who likes to hug rather rough, was sitting behind me in the car (woe be unto the day that I called shotgun) and decided he wanted to hug me. Since there was a chair in his way, he reached around the part of the chair with the least width, which was unfortunately around where my neck was. I remember seeing hands coming close around my neck and then there I was- backed into a corner.

I don't know that a lot of people are ever in that particular situation, but I'm sure everyone occasionally feels moments of panic like that. I don't know how they react to those situations, but I think I don't react to them very well. My response to my brother was biting him. Sadly, biting has been my knee-jerk reaction to stuff like that on more than one occasion (as anyone who knows Sagur will remember). Now I don't think that is the way to handle my problems.

But the real reason I'm writing this entry is because of how weird that feeling is and how weird my choices seem to be. Sometimes (more when I was younger than now), I feel like I'm about to lose an argument or look foolish and I snap and do something that overcompensates as a reaction. For instance, telling Tony to stop would have been a normal reaction. Biting was an overcompensation. I'll do something ludicrous and over the top because for a split second I feel overwhelmed and just want whatever overwhelmed me to stop - NOW.

Admittedly, this happens to me very rarely, but it didn't use to. I suppose I just reacted that way with Tony recently because I've known him since I was so young. Perhaps I'm used to dealing with him in the ways I did when I was little. Hmmm... it happened at lunch the other day too. Tony was hassling me for not working out, as Tony is wont to do, and my dad was chiming in about how concerned he is for me because of my unhealthy ways. Right in the middle of the restaurant I overreacted in the same way and started to cry. I could have just asked them to stop or change the subject. Well, actually, I did ask to change the subject, but I was too frustrated by then and it was a little too late. I could have just explained how much I walk every day (at least and hour when I go to school- closer to an hour and a half), how I climb up and down stairs pretty often since I live on the 3rd floor and never use elevators when I'm on campus (even for thins on the 5th or 6th floor, but I have to admit, I couldn't handle the 10th floor of Evans though perhaps I would have if I hadn't been in a rush), how I lift heavy weights when I refill the milk machine or carry a load of laundry to Steven's because I don't like having to wait to do it in Stebbins. Then again, I couldn't really say any of these things because Tony always interrupts me to tell me how important it is to sweat and work out.

Yeah, I guess I'm thinking about this now because Tony inspires it in me. I try to call him on it, but he acts like I'm making a big deal out of nothing.
Example:
We were talking about Cloyne and how I thought the pot cookie incident was worse for Cloyne than the guy overdosing and dying there (I thing the negative publicity around the cookies made Cloyne look really bad to the UC, who owns the building and might refuse to rent to us if Cloyne ever looked too out of control). I commented that there were people in the papers saying they thought more was involved than weed.
This is when Tony interrupted and said "What said that?" He said it really aggressively too (like he does everything) and got me on the defensive.
Then I told him it was some official (police or medical guy or something) and Tony told me "Well yeah of course, everyone knows that."

Well that pissed me off. Why did he act so aggressively toward me if he already knew? Was he just trying to save face because I told him something he already knew? Why did he have to be such a prick? Grrr...

So I called him on it and said "so why did you challenge me on that if you already knew the answer?" but that whole like of questioning didn't go very far. He kept saying it was nothing and I shouldn't get worked up over little things. And then I got really pissed and told him it's all the little things that keep people down. Big injustices are easy to spot. It's the little ones that are hard to see and so go on unchecked.

But the details of our argument aren't that important. Actually none of this is. I'm not terribly torn up by the whole thing. Even the other day in the restaurant, I was over it within 5 minutes and continued eating cheerily. What? It was good food. And Tony felt bad too.

The truth of it is, he's a really reasonable person, but he acts weird around his family. He gets really aggressive (though there's always the possibility that he's always like that- I don't generally see him outside of family situations), and it's hard to have any sort of conversation with him at that point.

So maybe he hasn't mastered the art of conversation, but he's head and shoulders above my uncle as far as I'm concerned. It's interesting because my uncle is such a socialite. He always has a hive of people around him and he makes it clear that he is king of the pond (my metaphors are all mixed up- is he a bee or a fish?). So anyway, my mom is pissed at him and shall probably always be so. *shrug* No skin off my back. But out of respect for her mom, my grandmother, she doesn't want open hostilities. She just doesn't want to see him again. So when my uncle proclaimed that Christmas would be at his house this year, she told him she would be unable to make it. I think she was hoping that he'd get the message for future holidays, but at the very least, we wouldn't have to worry about it next until Easter since Christmas was dealt with.

My uncle didn't tell my aunt. He didn't even tell his wife! My grandma said there were four places at the table for us that my aunt Helen had set. Awkward.

Of course I don't care. I find it a little shocking he wouldn't even tell her and interesting to analyze, but I find it more funny than actually awkward. My mom was wondering if it was a way to make us feel guilty or if he were perhaps burying his head in the sand and assuming she wasn't serious. As for guilt, he certainly failed on my account. There is quite literally nothing he could do to make me feel uncomfortable. Ever since I was little, he was always just "there." He was just one of those things you accept. I certainly didn't look forward to seeing him. If anything I dreaded them a little because I didn't want to hang out with my cousin. But Uncle Al and Aunt Helen never moved me one way or the other.

The "bury his head in the sand" thing might be right though. It's interesting because there have been holidays where either Tony or I have been absent, and no one forgot then that they wouldn't need place settings for us. I think that if mom had told Uncle Al we were all going on a trip to France this Christmas, there wouldn't have been place settings. Since she didn't offer any explanation, there were. He might have hoped she'd get over it and not bothered to tell Helen (keep up appearances? stay the course?).

And of course, he might have just forgotten, though I don't think that's the most likely scenario. He's ridiculous, not dumb.

My mom did start to question her resolve though, especially when they got Tony and me gifts (which if the pattern holds true will just be cash). I told her they can afford it and she should just not worry about it. I'll take it and still feel no guilt whatsoever. He made his decisions.

Well this ramble has lead in a different direction than I thought it would, but it's been an interesting ride. Until next time-