High spirits

I never realized how much drug innuendo is in that phrase...

But no innuendo here! Take it at face value! I'm happy!

Today the teacher at the middle school I'm observing at let me lead a warmup and it went great! It was so fun! The kids were really well behaved and engaged and I remembered everyone's names and I got some really good pointers after class on how to improve as well. I had the hugest smile all the way home!

I was pretty nervous about it before I started. I was worried the most about behavioral problems. I clashed a little with one of the students the day before and just couldn't stop thinking about it. I was worried she'd hold a grudge against me or purposefully act out. And then there are the other kids who are constantly talking during class. Even the chattiest one was really on task and engaged. But that girl I clashed with had me really worried. I have to say I have a lot of respect for her. I messed up and she called me on it instantly. When I was a student, I wouldn't say anything if a teacher hurt my feelings. I probably wouldn't even notice or be too surprised to even think about it until later. I had a few teachers who inadvertently hurt my feelings. The exact situation with this girl was that one of the other members of her group turned to me as I was walking by and said, "In case you haven't noticed, this group has a lot of energy." It was true. They were really loud and chatty and it seemed hard to keep them focused. Well, not all of them. One of them was a very quiet shy kid. The one who spoke to me wasn't that bad either. The third one (the girl I mentioned before) took forever to get started and I noticed her kick someone in the group next to her. She came in over a half hour late too. She'd already had three behavioral warnings that day. In response to the energy comment, I agreed and said it seemed to be focused around that girl. While she did have some troubles getting started, I also noticed she was doing some work (though I didn't look too closely). She was also laughing along with the energy comment her friend made, but when I said most of the energy seemed centered on her, I saw the smile just fade as she figured out what I was saying. Then she got mad at me for singling her out like that. I apologized, but she was still mad. I told her that my comment wasn't intended as an insult and I don't consider having a lot of energy to be a bad thing (it's true I don't). She seemed to accept that, but she made snide comments at/about me for the rest of the period. I thought at the time that she was a little crazy. I said almost nothing and she was immediately up in arms. It's strange to be that defensive and fight that hard over nothing, especially when I didn't even insult her.

But then I thought about it more. I did mess up. Sure, I didn't mean it to be mean, but I was singling her out. And I singled her out in a way that I'm sure a lot of other teachers have done as well. Too often I think well behaved is considered to be the same thing as docile. How can you learn if you're docile? If you just sit there quietly? Yes, she did have some problems, not the least of which was being so tardy, but I had no place joking about her energy and poking fun. I am not their friend. I could never be. I have too much authority to be their friend. With my friends, I don't worry about stepping on their toes, teasing them a little and making fun. But how could I do that with someone who had control over grades and who was held accountable for my learning and staying on task? Sure I like the kids. I actually like them a lot. But we can't be friends. If I joke with a friend, we are equals. If I joke with a student, it feels too much like picking on someone. There isn't any equity between teachers and students (nor should there be), and because of that, I don't think you can have a friendship between students and teachers. The girl who yelled at me wasn't upset by her friend saying there was a lot of energy at their table. I don't think she would have been offended even if the comment had been directed at her if it was her friend who said it. Of course I don't know her that well, but I imagine she would have just brushed it off or told her to shut up. She couldn't tell me to shut up. I could see as soon as I said it that I transformed from "person walking around who I can't quite categorize who seems like she might be ok" to "teacher," and I don't think the transformation was a positive one. I think too many of her teachers have not been on her side. Too many of them have tried to coerce her into behaving in a certain way. Now I don't want to play the role of the overly sensitive, overly liberal person (even though I am both of those things) who blames everyone else except the kids herself, but I do get the feeling that teachers aren't on her side. Honestly, it's insulting to walk in that late with no excuse, no note. It's also disruptive. And when she continues to be disruptive upon entering, it's no wonder that teachers don't have much love for her. I'm not saying that the teachers aren't fair or open minded. I'm sure they're both of those things. But I felt it in the beginning, when I first started with these students. There's just a tiny bit of glee when you put a troublemaker in their place. Like how I was happy when a loud, troublesome kid who always had the right answer (and bragged about it) got an answer wrong. Or like how when someone's acting out, you tell them to stop and then they do and start focusing on the work. I've always been a little overeager to hassle people. I remember in grade school, if someone was doing something annoying or bratty, I'd yell at them. Sometimes I was mean. I'm not proud of it. I hurt people's feelings sometimes and justified it by telling myself it was making them better people- that they needed to adjust to life and grow out of annoying shit like that. For instance, I grew out of bragging about my grades before high school (possibly because I bragged so extensively before then). Even though I had been one of the worst, I was ruthless whenever I saw someone trying to show off. "Oh I'm so disappointed that I got an A-. I really thought I would get an A." Yeah jackass. I did that too and I know exactly what you're doing. You're so pleased with yourself that I'm sure you orgasm as the sight of your own reflection. Quit pretending you're disappointed and keep your grades to yourself.

But honestly that was nothing. I'd do that again (though maybe more directly and less insultingly) today if someone pulled that "sad over an A-" crap with me. In all fairness, I did that a little about my grad school grades, but I think that's a little different since grades don't really matter much in grad school. During college, I was grateful for every A- I could grab. But hassling someone over overt bragging isn't really a big deal. Like I said, I'd probably still do that if anyone was so tactless as to try that stunt. But in grade school, I could be pretty mean. I wasn't always mean all by myself. Responsibility was shared, but group meanness is always the worst kind. I remember there was one person in my class who was always lying. To be honest, I don't know if she was or not. I have always been very gullible and likely to believe what people tell me, even if it sounds unrealistic. But this girl told a few too many unrealistic stories. Of course, we all believed her for a time. Kids can be pretty trusting. But eventually we got to talking about her behind her back. I'm sure it started innocently enough, not that I remember. Someone probably asked if someone else thought what she said was true, possibly just doubtful and wondering if anyone else was as well. The doubts probably grew for a while until someone probably decided it wasn't and then supposition began on whether she was mistaken or lying. Eventually the consensus came to lying and eventually we came up with the brand "liar." And then eventually someone got fed up, probably everyone at once and said something should be done to stop her. And then someone probably said we should just tell her to stop, as a group of course. I don't remember any of the stuff I just described, but it seems plausible enough. What I do remember is all of us ganging up on her at once, calling her a liar, making her cry, and none of us feeling bad about it. I feel bad about it now. She wasn't even a dangerous liar. I don't remember most of what she said. I remember we eventually had that conversation about our periods, whose had already started and what it was like. Each person talked about how they had told their moms, but Ali (the perhaps liar) told us she hadn't told her mom, had taken care of it herself, and when her mom found a used pad in the trash, her mom wrote her a note saying how she disappointed her mom and was grounded. Not terribly believable. Older people would have questioned her more, asked Ali why she thought her mom would do that. Older people might have also been dubious that she wouldn't have told her mom in the first place. And even older people might have recognized that Ali's mom got pregnant with her at 16 and might have gotten mad because she wanted to start her on birth control as soon as her period started. Huh. That last part never occurred to me until just now. Maybe she was telling the truth.

Well there goes my good mood. Wow I feel scummy. I felt bad even when I thought she was a liar. Perhaps she still was. I really don't remember much of what she said, but there must have been more than once instance for all of us to turn on her like that. I half remember something about how she said some bone disease allowed you to have longer reach (like you could stretch your arms out more), but I don't remember anything well enough to say for certain. She had been a bit of an outcast before that whole incident. I guess she was an easy target. We had plenty of time to talk about her behind her back since she didn't sit with us at lunch. And because our class was so small, we were able to get almost all the girls in the class to gang up with us. I really don't remember my role. I don't think I was the ringleader, but then again I don't think anyone was. I probably needed to be convinced she was lying by other people since I was so gullible (still am- you should see how confused Braver makes me when he talks about his past). I think I felt bad at the time. I don't think I did more than just stand there, but just standing there was a show of silent support. It would have made a great difference if I had just stood there beside Ali instead. But I really thought she was a liar. Part of me still does. That's honestly one of the most salient features about her I can remember. I also remember people gossiping about her in high school ("she made out with that guy on the roof of her car! What a slut" -generally said by people who were practically having sex with their clothes on when they were on the dance floor at high school dances). I may just be justifying myself now, but I don't think any grudges were held. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if she had forgotten the whole experience. But I imagine it was pretty salient at the time.

But enough of this- how did I get on this topic? This is why I like to write instead of just think. I think about this sort of stuff all the time, but I just end up rambling down some random path in my head and can't retrace my steps back to see what lead there. But with writing, I have a hard copy I can reference- ok. Just checked. I was talking about how I have had an urge to "correct" people or put them in their place when they do something socially wrong, and I thought I saw that in teachers as well. This doesn't mean they're not fair about it, but there's still that sense of not really wishing the student the best, of just trying to get them to behave. If they behave well, you treat them well. If they behave poorly, they are punished accordingly. It's completely fair. But I don't know if it has that student's best interests at heart. I know a few teachers who had to stop teaching courses for a semester when their kid was taking the class so as to avoid bias. Can a teacher really be counted on to discipline their own kid, or to give them a bad grade? Maybe it's because they have their kid's best interests at heart. They understand their own kid and know where their actions are coming from and how to deal with them and disciplining their kid might not always be the right action given their knowledge of their child. I think disciplining any kid might not be the right action given that particular kid's situation.

I don't know. The attitude that teachers have towards their students is a really big question. There's so much to discuss and think about. I want to deal with my students the way Mrs Rose dealt with hers. I think I might have done that today, which is what had me in such a great mood earlier (and I've still got some afterglow despite some guilt-ridden reminiscing). I think I know what the secret is (if you could even call it a secret). I was just really happy. So the task I gave them was called "the silent board game." You make a table (2 rows and like 8 columns). Along the top row you put the inputs to a function. You fill in the bottom row with two or so corresponding outputs. Then you ask the students to fill it in by coming up to the board one at a time. If they guess wrong, I erase what they wrote. If they guess right, it stays up. At first no one wanted to come up, but one girl did. I really like her. She's wrong a lot. In fact, I'd say she's wrong much more often than she's right, but she understands the math very well. She just makes little errors all the time. And what I like most about her is that she's fearless. Absolutely fearless. She will try something and be the first to go forward on any occasion. Nothing stops her. She volunteered to try first. Then she retracted it, saying she didn't know what to do, but I told her it didn't matter if she was wrong and she came up and hazarded a wild guess. That takes courage. The rest of the class was silent. Then several other people made guesses, all of which were wrong (in case you're curious, the two inputs whose outputs I gave were 3 which yielded 9 and 0 which yielded 3, which would make the rule x yields 2x+3). I was really surprised at how many people came up to the board and really proud of them for trying. Then when most volunteers had tried and failed (and some tried and failed twice), I began to worry that it was too hard. So then I asked them, "Did I stump you?" which of course prompted a few of the cockier ones to come forward, which was exactly what I needed. The cocky ones are generally cocky for a reason. I wanted someone to get it right. Then someone finally did get one right (100 becomes 203). And this made a light go on in a few people's heads. Then with a few more points filled in, a few more people got it. I was really proud of all the people who participated. They did great. I was a little worried about the people who didn't participate at all, but for my first day I just wanted to focus on keeping things going. I didn't want to put someone on the spot and drag the class to a halt.

The truth is, I recognized how hard it was. The problem itself was not so terribly complex, but the situation was difficult. Going up to the board, taking a risk, coming back again after being wrong once. Those are all really hard things to do, and they have to be thinking about math the whole time and trying to figure out a puzzle while they do it. I recognized that they were doing something difficult and I was happy for them. I was really worried that it would be chaos with someone new in control and not the regular teacher. I was worried I would be like a substitute (they just get beaten up). But I wasn't. They were so nice. They were engaged in the material (at least some of them), and the ones who weren't were still paying attention (though to be honest, they might not have been- I didn't have much attention to spare for them- I was working my hardest to call on people and remember their names). They have a card system in this classroom where every time someone acts up, they get a card flipped. It goes from green to yellow to orange to red. I think orange (two card flips) means a call home. Red might mean a suspension. I don't know actually. I think it's pretty serious. But the whole class was green at the end of the period. The whole class! That's happened like twice the whole time I've been observing! All someone has to do is walk in tardy to get a yellow card. I was so proud of them!

I think part of the reason they may have been so good is because I was a new teacher and they didn't know quite what to expect. I think they also really liked the game. I think it may also be because it didn't rain today (for whatever reason, they get riled up in the rain). I secretly hope my demeanor played a role as well. Their regular teacher is often exasperated with them. They're a pretty wild class at times and I think he has other things weighing on his mind (he said his daughter was sick). He'll often stop when people are talking and say "I'll wait." And look really exasperated the whole time. I always thought that was a little passive aggressive, but it's better than yelling I guess. A teacher's vocal chords can only hold out so long. He'll often tell people who are goofing off to "make the right choice" and to grow up. I always hated people telling me to grow up. Always. I especially hated it when people told me to act my age. These kids ARE acting their age! If you don't want to see them acting like that, you shouldn't be teaching that age group. Kids are kids for a reason. They're immature. And they should be that way. I remember Matoots from high school. She always looked mature and all the teachers praised how "grown up" she was, but she wasn't really at all. She learned to look mature early on while she was still too immature to make educated choices for herself. And so she was still the same immature girl in college that she was as a well behaved freshman in high school. But anyway, he's really a good teacher, but he doesn't always look like he's really enjoying himself in class. I'm sure it wears on him sometime to always have to discipline people and not see it work. But that attitude really leaks over to the students. I think because I'm so fresh, I can go into the class with a spring in my step and understand when the students act out. I think that helps me. I think it was understanding and caring for her students that made Mrs Rose control us so easily without raising her voice ever. I think I'm going to get to do the same warmup again on Friday. I hope it goes as well then when the game isn't new to them anymore.

Honestly, I have a lot more to write, but I think it's time that I ended this blog. I've been writing for a while now and I want to go do something else. And Dylan will be over soon, so I have to stop soon anyway. Toodle-oo all! I hope this makes up for the recent break in my writing.