When did it happen?

When did I become so focused?

I always had this impression of grad students and how on top of their shit they were. Not only are they all brilliant, but they have amazing work ethic and always seemed so competent. They know their stuff inside and out and generally have their shit together. As an undergrad (more so in the early undergrad years), I always marveled a little at what hard workers they were. In high school, I was almost incurably lazy. Sure I got stuff done, so I suppose I could have been a lot lazier, but I just didn't want to work that hard. I was one of those people who anticipated the night before a test because that meant no homework that evening. I didn't generally need to study too much in high school, so the bulk of my work was homework related.

When I got to college, things were different, but not drastically so, at least not in the beginning. The classes were certainly more difficult, but I came into college with a different mindset, the mindset that I was going to work harder. Due to some laziness on my part, I didn't do as well in high school as I could have and I was committed to making sure my new start, college, would not be the same. I had a blank slate gpa, and I wanted to make sure I didn't let it drop due to slackerly habits. I knew I wouldn't be able to make such a big transition my first semester, so my schedule consisted of easy classes (cs3 and a freshman seminar), pass/no pass classes (celtic studies 70), and classes that I felt high school had prepared me well for (math 1b). The next semester I upped the difficulty a little with cs61a, and I tried my best not to be slackerly, but I still was in a lot of ways. I didn't know how to be efficient about it. Homework was due on Mondays and I was almost in tears every Sunday night with stress and panic. I would hound my TA, but that was just about the only way I kept myself from procrastinating. Procrastinating had been in my blood for so long it was really hard to shake. I pulled it off in that class by the skin of my teeth (something I have always been proud of myself for), but I still didn't have it at that point. I still didn't have the focus I have now.

When did I get it? What happened in the following years? When did I start taking everything more seriously. When did I become so rigorous about being on top of my shit? While I confess that grades have always held an important place in my mind, I have never felt such an affinity with knowing the actual material as I have recently. For the last 54 midterm, I studied a lot the day before. I confess I watched a lot of anime the day before as well (old habits die hard I suppose), but I still studied quite a bit. When I took the test, I was quite worried, not so much for myself, but for the curve. I was afraid that it would be brutal. As compared to the first test which was ludicrously hard, this one struck me as laughably easy. There were only two questions on the test that I thought were tricky. The rest seemed a natural byproduct of knowing the theorems. It's true that there were a large number of high scores on this midterm, including one person who nearly got a perfect score, but this test was not nearly as trivial as I had thought. It made me realize that if my only goal was learning enough to do well on the test, I had overstudied by a wide margin. I could have left an entire question that I got full credit on blank (there were 9 in all), assuming it wasn't the gargantuan, many part, 25 point question, and still gotten an A.

Math has always been my strong subject, but never this strong. How did this happen? What part of me has changed that I started studying with such focus? It reminds me slightly of how I play rpgs. I don't purposefully level in general, but I will sometimes take the long route to where I need to go and level up a little extra that way. I like to get every ability and have full domination before I face a boss. This is similar to my performance in math 54, where I studied more than was necessary because I wanted to memorize and understand every theorem (like learning every move and getting every item). I've always had anal parts of my personality, but I've never applied my anal traits to class with this enthusiasm before. Is it because my classes now are more challenging and so I've had to be more on top of my shit?

With all the working I've done this summer, I've started to see in myself some of the traits I always used to marvel at with my gsis. It's a really weird thing to see. I always thought, "That's so impressive. I'll never be able to be that on top of my shit," and now that I am (to a certain extent), it feels like it's not that big of a deal. I feel like it's well within my power to work this hard. But I am quite certain I didn't have this insane work ethic in the past. When did I get it? Did it sneak up on me? I was so happy when I got into Berkeley for grad school. I felt like I presented myself well enough that I looked like a grad student to them. But maybe it wasn't about presentation. Maybe I really am like a grad student in a lot of ways. It's a very odd thing to think of myself that way. My self image doesn't really coincide with the amount of competence I'm noticing in my actions. It's a very weird time. Perhaps I'll ponder this more later. I don't have time for these long existential blog entries anymore...