Emotional turmoil

I feel so crappy right now. Yesterday, I found out that my master teacher Nicole is out sick for the rest of the semester. Now they're looking for a replacement teacher. I am the obvious first choice since I know all the students and taught them already for a while. I think I've already made my decision not to do it. It's an incredibly bad idea for my personal well being. I have to finish PACT, my master's project, the tech portfolio, and plan for a wedding. I don't have that kind of time. But if not helping out is such a good idea for my personal well being, then why do I feel so much like crap? I just feel awful for my algebra 2 students. I saw who their sub is (at least for today)- it's a random foreign language teacher who subbed for Philippe's alg 2 once- he doesn't know any of the math. It's sad to think they're not going to be getting a good education this year, but when I think of individuals, I start feeling really awful. Rosa is probably really scared right now, and that makes her angry and lash out. She knows that she needs to know this stuff and there's no way she can do it. I can only imagine her frustration. And then there's Lannysha- she could have passed second semester and have her first semester grade bumped up to a C retroactively. Nicole would have done it. And Lannysha was working so hard at the end. She could have done it, but I don't think she'll be able to now. And then there's Langston. I have so many regrets about Langston. He worked so hard- he went from doing no homework to doing most of it. I called his mom and told her how great he was doing, but I never really told him. I think he might have known. And then when he cheated on a test, I couldn't bear to call his mom (and he had done well on the parts of the test where I don't think he was cheating), so I gave him a zero on the parts where he had cheated, spoke to him, and then let it slide. And he felt so awful. He apologized, sincerely. I could tell he really meant it. And he promised not to cheat again. And then kept doing all his homework. And then he got a 3 out of 25 on the next quiz. Why didn't I follow up on that? He was doing so well! And he stopped doing homework after that. If i could do it over, I would have handled that so differently. This could be my chance to handle it differently. They're still there and they need a teacher.

It would have been so much easier if this had been a clean break, if the class hadn't lingered on after I left. There are so many regrets that I have and there's this horrible could hanging over my head telling me that I have the chance to right those wrongs and cleanse those regrets, but only if I act now. But I really can't act now. I have to graduate, and that's no small task.

I'm not going to do it. I know I'm not. Next year I'll be an even better teacher. I did the best I could in the given circumstances. I really shouldn't regret anything, and honestly I don't. I think I did pretty well there at the end. And all along, I did the best that I could do at the time. But there are so many things I could do better now and maybe that could make up for some of the things I did wrong before. And I feel really bad for my students not getting the education they deserve. They were an amazing group of kids. I really cared about them (still do). I'd even go so far as to say I loved them, and I do not use that word lightly. I remember I didn't tell my grandparents I loved them for a long time as a kid because I wasn't sure if I did. It's not that I was mad at them or anything. They were very important to me, but it took a while before I felt comfortable with the word "love." In the end, I decided it would make them happy and I might love them, so I should just say it. That's probably how it'll be with Steven's mom, who tells me she loves me, but I haven't reciprocated. I might love her. I do like her a lot. But love? Anyway, I feel like I did love my students. There were some who had just started to open up and there were some who were working so hard and there were some that didn't get what they deserved (none of them now). It tears me up to turn my back on them. Dan says that kids can recover from one year of chaos. Two years and they can't, but one year and they can. They'll be a little behind next year, but they'll make it. It just feels so hard to turn away from helping someone you love. My mom always bends over backwards for her loved ones. I want to do the same. But you can't take care of other people unless you can take care of yourself first. You always have to be your first priority. It's a hard, emotional truth, but it is a truth. I'm really not available to help. I think I just have to face it and come to terms with it. I care about these kids a lot, and it might be in their best interest for me to teach them this semester, but I think I have to pass. If I can get a lot of work done this week (and I mean a LOT), then maybe... but it will mean working around the clock. For them, I might be able to do it...