Gaze

One thing I've noticed about myself in most social situations is that I don't know where to look. When someone else is talking, I look at them, though sometimes that feels a little awkward to be staring someone in the eye for an extended period. I definitely feel the urge to look away. Though it's a lot easier when someone else is talking. You're expected to look at them. I find it most difficult to know where to look when I am talking, especially if I'm talking to more than one person. With just one other person, I suppose I'm expected to look at them, though again it feels weird to stare them right in the eye the whole time. With more than one person, how often am I supposed to look at one rather than the other? And looking at either is a little unpleasant. And knowing they're both looking at me can be a little weird too. I like it when two people sit side by side and sort of stare 45 degrees toward the person they're talking to. The real reason for that is because it's uncomfortable to twist the body to face the other person, but I like being able to stare out into space and enjoy the scenery while listening to the other person speak or talking myself. Sometimes even when I'm not sitting adjacent to someone, I'll stare off into space while speaking. Every once in a while, the person I'm talking to will turn to see what I'm looking at, possibly thinking it relates to what I'm saying. I hastily explain I'm not looking at anything and continue the conversation while trying to look at them a little more frequently. I often try to busy myself while speaking so that there's something I can be looking at that won't draw attention, such as taking an extra long time to butter a bagel or playing with some paper at hand.

I don't know for sure, but I think this is weird.

I don't think other people dislike looking at others as much as I do. I think part of it is that I've been told it's rude to stare. I remember once as a little kid I was riding on the subway with my parents. I was a little bored, so to pass the time, I started staring at strangers. I would stare at them until they looked away. It was a little like an unsolicited staring contest. I remember feeling a little kid rush of power every time a stranger looked away before I did. And then one of them smiled at me. I was totally taken aback. I think it was the only time I lost the staring game and looked away first. The woman who smiled at me thought I was just a curious little kid looking around and didn't realize that I was being a competitive little asshole, trying to "beat" strangers by staring at them, which I knew I wasn't really supposed to be doing. I don't think I ever did that "who will look away first" game again. I suppose I felt a little ashamed because in a little way, I was trying to build myself up at their expense, and when I came across a genuinely nice person (who it had no effect against anyway), I felt bad about it. Now whenever I see a little kid look at me, I always smile at them. It is a little awkward and unpleasant to have a stranger look directly at you, even if it is just a kid. We don't get too weirded out when kids do it because we think, oh they're just kids. If an adult did that, we'd be really weirded out and wonder why they were looking at us. I suppose we think that kids haven't yet realized that it's weird or rude to stare at strangers. Chances are, they have realized it, but just want to do some little thing where they can be bad. Or perhaps they're just curious and their curiosity outweighs their desire to be good. Whatever that case is, I always smile because really they're good people and I don't mind them staring at me too much. And maybe one of them will have a similar experience as myself.

But anyway, back to my main point. That whole paragraph was meant to illustrate that I've been thinking about looking at people even from a young age and that one of the possible explanations for my aversion to looking at people comes from it possibly being rude. It may just be that I never learned the etiquette surrounding staring at people. But I think it's more than that. When I stare someone in the eye (such as when they're talking and I feel I should be listening), it requires a lot of attention. It's not easy. This makes things especially hard at job interviews, when you are expected to look someone in the eye and listen carefully to what they say. Looking someone in the eye is hard for me. I often find that I lose track of their words because I'm focusing so hard on keeping their gaze met and remembering that they're looking at me. I'll often push up my glasses, even though they probably weren't slipping before. It's just anything to take my mind off of looking them straight in the eye. And of course it's a high pressure situation where you're trying to impress the person so that you can get a job, so I get extra self conscious of what I'm doing and feel even more reluctant to look away. I have so much extra stuff swimming around in my brain, trying to keep track of, that I find it hard to parse their words. I think for a lot of people, staring them straight in the eye means that you're paying attention and listening to them (that's why I think it's a good idea to do that in interviews), but I can't really pay attention unless I'm looking away. However, during an interview, looks are more important than reality, so I suck it up and stare right at them.

So this is my reality, but I do think it's weird. It makes me think a little. Am I slightly autistic? I know autistic kids have trouble meeting someone's gaze. I know they can get focused on a problem and lose track of time because they're thinking about it so hard (I do that too). I know they enjoy mathematical and technical stuff, like I do. I have a few of the symptoms, however, I'm also able to function pretty well in society. I doubt many people would think I was autistic. In fact, I've always been pretty popular and able to get along with people well. I don't have much difficulty getting elected to positions (I was my senior class president, junior prom princess, got elected to workshift manager every time I ran). I also have a generally good understanding of people. People don't often surprise me with their actions and I can usually tell when people are mean. However, animals also tend to have that sense. They can sort of feel when someone is unhappy or angry, not that people are always subtle about that. And I know autistic people tend to have a rapport with animals (they tend to understand them). I've always been good with animals. Steven's mom's cat loves me and has never scratched me. I once got a random stray cat to sit in my lap for an hour and be petted. The poor thing had just got in a fight with another stray. But that point aside, I think this may be evidence of another symptom of autism. Now whatever I have (if anything) is really low grade. It has been mild enough that I don't think it impacts me negatively. I'm pretty successful all around. So this isn't something to feel bad about, in other words. But it is interesting. I might want to get tested and see if it's true. It's always good to know about yourself. I suppose I'll talk to my mom about this a little.