Evolution of teaching

I've written a little about the actual goings-on at Mt Eden lately, but I haven't said too much about how I feel about how things have been going. I haven't known quite how to start this post because, for once it's actually kind of optimistic. I feel like I have a moderate sense of how things are supposed to work and how I am supposed to do things. Actually, it feels very much like Angband just as you were starting to remember all the commands from memory. Less and less is starting to slip by me. I notice when kids are cheating and I've found ways of keeping it from starting in the first place. I held a test today in my algebra 1 and everyone was quiet. Do you understand how huge that was? I never thought I could get that bucking bronco to finally sit still. And it did feel a bit like a wild beast, but I saw all the danger points and kept pressure on all the right spots. I saw Alexis itching to make some sort of noise and disrupt the quiet. I saw Sam turned sideways thinking about looking at another paper or maybe just talking to friends. I saw Taylor whispering and trying to pass it off as talking to herself. And each time I stopped the problem subtly and without losing my cool. Being able to stop the problem was not actually the really cool part- seeing exactly where the problems were going to erupt was the best. I sat there, actually in charge of my classroom, and felt a rush of power like I'd almost never felt before. I was fortunate that I didn't have to talk or anything because I was absolutely giddy with the rush of it. A little part of my brain was telling me "you're really power tripping right now" but it was too nice of a high to clamp down too hard. Honestly, I think I might have been too harsh or done something I regretted if I'd had a chance (like write a referral for something trivial maybe). I never thought of myself as someone who could boss other people around that easily. Frankly, I'm not. I always think to myself, "who am I to be telling you what to do?" and I think that's part of the reason who I've had so much difficulty controlling my class. I second guess myself sometimes. I think 5 months ago before I'd started teaching, I wouldn't have even liked the feeling I felt today forcing that class into submission, but after a couple months of being trampled on and feeling powerless, today felt good. Really good. I felt competent for the first time in a long time. Actually, that's not quite true. I've been feeling competent ever since I came back from winter break. I dreaded returning so much. I lost sleep the last few days of break. And then I came back because I had to. And then I realized it wasn't that bad. Maybe it just took a reset for me to actually notice that things had been getting better. That was the point where everything felt like it turned around. By the end of that week, after I had gotten through it and things still seemed to be running smoothly, I realized I was starting to get the hang of it. Now don't get me wrong- I still have a LOT of refining to do. When I finally got to the point where I could remember the Angband commands, I still died plenty and had to start over. But I know how I'm supposed to respond. It's kind of like playing a logic game and starting to recognize what the patterns are, which are the spots that I need to focus on the most. Or course, this might be all because I haven't covered much in the way of new material since after break. It goes a little smoother perhaps when all you're doing is review. We'll see next week I suppose when the new material starts over again, but class has been running so much as expected (more or less) that I've been in a really good place the last couple of weeks. I'm hoping it will continue as such.


Oh and once quick PS I want to add because I'm tickled pink at how well I handled it: so there's this punk kid Kirby. He's pretty funny actually and I like him well enough even though he makes it plenty clear with some frequency that he hates my guts. He was acting like a total punk and I laid the smackdown something fierce. So there was a red sweep at school that morning during 1st period (that's with campus supervisors going around and citing people wearing red) and then there he was during second (and not the very beginning of second I might add) wearing a solid red shirt. He had obviously brought a red shirt with him to school to put on after 1st period because it got leaked that there would be a red sweep. I made him take it off, even though he was spouting some bullshit about having gotten a warning from the campus supervisors. Even so, I made him take it off, and then he said (as a joke, though one in poor taste) "I'm gonna bomb this school!" Woops! Your bad, Kirby! I spoke with him briefly in private about how I would be reporting that as a mandated reporter and that was not appropriate to say. Seeing him leave the classroom wearing the red shirt I made him take off during class was the icing on the cake. I just have to say that's one suspension I absolutely basked in. And suspended during my final? Double woops! I haven't made up my mind for sure, but I'm fairly disinclined to allow a make up exam.