I'm fucking eloquent, godammit!

And it hurts that I still can't talk! At first I thought, hey I'll pantomime and make do. Well the longer I've had to make do, the more painfully aware I become that nuances of language are lost on my vehement hand motions. It doesn't help that Steven isn't into charades that much. It bothers me so much being unable to talk for so long. At first it's a mild inconvenience and kind of an interesting change of pace. That gets stale very quickly. Now it's to the point where I am starting to worry about how I'll be able to teach. I don't want to take any more sick days. It does present and interesting problem though. And it doesn't help that the first test in algebra 1 is this Friday. This is the big benchmark test too. Everyone in the district is taking it because we're under DAIT (district assisted intervention team). In other words, our API scores as a district weren't high enough, so now we all have to jump through hoops. And one hoop is standardized tests across the whole district for algebra 1. Maybe also algebra readiness. I just feel bad about how badly they're going to fail. I wish I could do more for them, especially since I know there are some students who would work if things were just a little different. It doesn't even have to be a lot. I suppose I shouldn't expect too much of myself the first year, but I feel like I'm so close to being vaguely passable, as opposed to the total fail I've got going on now. It's incredibly frustrating. Sigh.

But anyway, back to my mute status. Really, it's just an excuse for my students doing poorly. Honestly, there probably wouldn't be that much of a change if I was perfectly healthy. It's just frustrating being asked a question and being unable to respond. Or having a question and being unable to ask it. I've been pretty down all day because I feel incredibly cut off from everyone around me. They're all communicating with ease, but whenever I want to contribute, it takes an incredible amount of effort. I have to type it all out or pantomime or just sit there looking sad as I try to think of some way to get my ideas across. I hate this so much. And every time I try to talk or whisper, I know that makes it last that much longer and takes that much longer to get better. But how can I function without talking sometimes? How do I order takeout? How do I get my car fixed? How do I teach? This is so horrible.

And the worst part is how long it's taking to get better. I've lost my voice before. It's taken a day or two to get better usually. It's been almost 5 days now. I'm worried that it's not getting better. It's scary. And honestly, it doesn't feel much better even now. Ok, it was really messed up on Wednesday. I couldn't even whisper then, so it's definitely better than it was, but it feels like it's plateaued. It hasn't shown much improvement in days. I made a doctors appointment for Wednesday. Hopefully it'll be better by then. I think it will get better eventually, but it worries me for now, and it's incredibly inconvenient. It just sucks.