Aging

It may be weird to blog about aging when I'm only 23, but I've been thinking about it a little. My perception of time is extremely limited. It's better than it was. When I was in high school, time felt like it lasted forever. Once I got into the routine of a certain semester, it felt like I had been doing that forever. Then it felt the same the next year. I was very focused on the present. It may have looked like I was focused on the future and motivated to look forward since I was trying to get into a good college, but kids don't really understand what that means. I definitely didn't. I was really just a kid who knew how to do well in school and got praised for it. The immediate rewards meant more to me than the future. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and I didn't particularly care. That was something I'd think about later. My focus was on the things I was told I had to do right then.

Even in college my vision was pretty narrow and focused on the present. I had classes to take and do well in, so I poured my attention into that. My tone seems to be downplaying the importance of that, but it's not exactly unreasonable. I didn't have a lot of experience to compare things. There are so many things that take a long time to repeat and I just hadn't seen enough of them. One example would be presidents. I kind of remember Clinton, but I wasn't old enough to vote when he was being elected, so I didn't pay much attention. There's not a whole lot of point when you don't have a say in it. This has been my first change of presidency really. The difference is rather remarkable.

However big the change is, the presidency is a pretty lame example of what I'm talking about. I'm really thinking of things that take much longer than 4 years. I realized the other day that I have almost no insight into processes that take 20 or 30 years to mature. I was thinking about our board games and how we'll play them with our kids when they are old enough (and exist). Then I realized that a few pieces of cardboard that might not get frequent use in the meantime will be in pretty ragged shape in 20 years. It occurred to me then, all the things around me are going to decay over the course of my lifetime. There are a good many things that I take for granted and they just won't be around forever, or at least won't be in good shape. As a little kid, you go nuts when some of your possessions are lost (especially important ones). You think they're going to be there forever and it's a shock when you realize they are not a permanent part of your landscape. I think I have realized to certain extent that things have a certain impermanence, but I'm not sure I've ever really been aware of the inevitability of it. I'd say I'm still not.

I also haven't really failed enough to be compassionate. This past year, I've failed a lot. I compare myself now to myself a year ago and I cringe at how cocky I was. You haven't tried enough things at my age to realize how difficult some things are. Most things are difficult. Living is difficult. And when you see someone else fail, it's easy to criticize. I've learned to criticize a lot less I feel. One of the first year MACSMEs hasn't really been humbled by the whole experience yet. I worry for her because she's going to have it the hardest. She's been having a few difficulties, but I can tell it hasn't really hit home yet. Even though she's not the one who's been practically crying during supe group each week, I have the most concerns for her development. Oh well. The learning will come in time. It took me a while too. A few years ago, I think I would have had difficulty spending time with this person. Even today, I notice her little faux pas, but they don't really bother me. I know her realizations will come, and she's really not that bad in the meantime. No worse than I was certainly.

My thoughts have rambled away. And so I end.