Fragile

Kids are so delicate. It's really sad sometimes. Today in class one of the students, Laron, was misbehaving a little. Actually I couldn't even see what he was doing from the back of the room, and honestly I can see almost everything. I think he was either joking quietly with the person next to him or simply not paying attention. Whatever it was wasn't a big deal from my point of view. It must have been upsetting to Jake (my master teacher) though. He had to flip his card all the way to orange (it starts out green, then yellow is a warning, then orange is a call home. It almost never gets to red, but 4 reds equals a suspension). Then after getting an orange card, Jake had to send him to the back of the room near the end of the period. They had a quiz at around the same time and I didn't see Jake give him a quiz. I asked if that was intentional, and Jake said Laron wasn't really in the mood to work because he was so angry, but he gave me the quiz and a copy for myself and let me try to get him to work. I sat next to him at the back of the room and tried. He wouldn't talk to me, but I'm pretty sure he was listening to me talk to him. And Jake may have thought he wasn't working because he was angry, but that wasn't really the reason. He was angry, but he was mostly angry because of how hurt he was. He wouldn't talk to me because he was crying and really didn't want me to know. He turned away and pulled is hood around his head as tightly as it would go, but I could hear him sniffling (as quietly as he could) and see him occasionally wiping his eyes. I told him he should really think about starting his quiz because he didn't want to get a zero, but that felt like a really harsh thing to say to someone crying. I felt like trying to comfort him wouldn't be too helpful since he really didn't want me to know how sad he was. After a minute or two, he picked up his quiz and looked at it. I saw this as a pretty good sign, but he also picked up a pair of scissors that I saw had been left on the tables in the back of the room. I should have picked them up earlier in the day when I first noticed them. I noticed them in his hand and cringed a little when I saw him go for his test, but I he just ran the scissors along the back of it, coming close to cutting it, but not actually cutting it. I'm pretty sure that wasn't for my benefit. He knew he'd get in trouble for cutting up the test, but he felt so angry and hurt that he wanted to lash out at something. He was just running the scissors along the middle behind it so that he could pretend he was actually cutting it, getting a little of the relief of actually cutting it but without getting into any trouble. I thought about trying to stop him or trying to get the scissors away from him, but I understood exactly how he was feeling. He was humiliated and frustrated and needed to take it out on something. I was worried that he was actually going to cut it up, which wouldn't have offended me, but could have been considered a serious act of rebellion that might have even gotten him a red card. Then he started to cut of the tops of the corners of the paper. That was a relief since it helped to relieve some pressure as well, but I knew if left to his own devices he'd eventually get bolder and bolder and cut up the rest of it, or at least cut enough that what he was doing became noticeable. I really didn't want Jake to find out about that. It's fine to let out your frustrations on some inanimate object, but it wasn't exactly the safest space to do so. Jake is a good teacher, but I think he's got a lot of frustrations and burdens and they've gotten in the way of his appreciation of the students. He's more into getting them to behave than he is enjoying their company. Of course, I guess it's his job to get them to behave so he can teach the class. But anyway, back to Laron. After he'd cut each of the corners once in a small way, I spoke to him again for the first time in minutes. I told him that cutting up his test wasn't really going to help him. I told him that if it made him feel better he could keep doing it, but he'd still be in the same situation with the same problems and I didn't really think it would make him feel better. He wiped his eyes a few times and turned back to his desk, put down the scissors, and started working.

Kids are so good! Can you believe that? The teacher was really mean to him (from his point of view at least) and he really didn't want to cooperate, but he still tried to work through his tears. I told him how impressive that was to work when he felt so bad. He stopped and cried momentarily when I told him that. I think he was ashamed and being told he was hurting when he was trying his best to ignore his pain probably just reminded him of what he was trying to forget. I don't regret praising him though. He was amazing. He worked really hard. He got a problem wrong, but I didn't have the heart to correct him. He was in a fragile enough state of mind as it was. When the bell rang, I told him that he did a great job and did great work. He may have goofed off for the majority of the period, but he worked harder than someone working for the full hour and half for those five minutes at the end. He didn't speak to me the entire time except for once immediately after I sat down with him where he said, "I hate him." Poor Laron. I think speaking made him cry more. That's how it is with me too. I know communicating is better than keeping quiet when you're obviously upset, but for whatever reason, voicing your problems refreshes all the injustice of them and makes you start crying. Sometimes when I'm sad I'll just stop talking entirely because anything I say will make me cry and I really don't want to cry. After I left, I saw Jake trying to talk to him. He kept asking why Laron was so mad. I knew it was futile. Laron was mad at him (and perhaps for good reason) and wasn't about to let Jake see him cry. Jake didn't realize he'd hurt Laron. He still just thought Laron was angry and pouty. I could have told Jake that he'd hurt Laron, but Laron would have heard and that would have hurt his pride. I know Laron would have rather been viewed as angry and rebellious than as a weakling who got hurt by the teacher sending him to the back of the room. The last person he would want to know was Jake. It might have gotten him into more trouble in the end since he looked like he was being belligerent and aggressive instead of just hurt.

*pause for a moment while I send Jake and email telling him to go easy on Laron*

I hope that was a good idea. Laron doesn't have to know about that. I just don't want Jake to make a bad situation worse by calling his mom and telling her that her son is being disruptive. Perhaps he is, but that's the last thing Laron needs to hear.

It seems like Jake is hurting his kids' feelings a lot lately. Most of them aren't as susceptible as Laron, but I can tell when he's doing something he should be, when he's taking excessive measures that make the students want to behave even worse. Sometimes, just letting a kid be for a few moments does a lot more than forcing them to do what you want. For instance, I could have told Laron to take away the scissors or get another card flipped and forced him to put down the thing that he was releasing some frustration on, but by just letting him cut his paper a little and set down the scissors on his own, I think it was a lot more productive. I don't think he would have started working at the end otherwise. I'll admit I was really proud of myself for the way I handled that, but even more so I was proud of Laron. I don't know that I would have had the strength to try again after that, or at least not try the day of the incident. He's a really good kid. Honestly, they all are. I felt so bad when he was crying. This is the reason I want to become a teacher, or at least one of the reasons anyway. I want things to be better for kids. I had enough teachers who didn't understand me. I had enough teachers who glorified the Rosalie's of the class (she works hard and always is on task and does what she's told, but she's really not as intelligent as some of the people who are doing worse because they are so intelligent and question orders- she's a good kid, but she shouldn't be glorified). The misbehavers are really some of the more endearing students. I like them so much. I hope Laron is ok. He'll have a whole weekend to cool down a little. I hope things go better for him on Monday.